incendiary, salient points

I feel like there was a 90s rap act called The Doo Doo Boyz and I refuse to Google it just in case I’m wrong.

I pre­fer to live in the de­light­ful mystery.

But now
let’s take a stroll back in time to 2014, when Josh Fer­nan­dez penned this mighty let­ter to Sacra­men­to News & Re­view more or less pas­sive ag­gres­sive­ly telling Mid­town bougie chablis-sip­pers like William Burg that he would no longer live in fear …

 

It was a sim­pler time.

 

To-day
the Venn di­a­gram of women Trump sup­port­ers & re­al­tors whose pro­file pics are buried un­der so many smooth­ing fil­ters that they are more or less car­toons isn’t *quite* a per­fect cir­cle, but you’d still be OK to dri­ve on it.

 

1.  Turn mid­dle aged, re­al­ize you nev­er re­al­ly ac­com­plished anything.

2.  Re­al­ize youre out of shape from years of beer-fandom-as-surrogate-for-personality.

3.  Grow a beard, re­al­ize that doesn’t help. You don’t look as rugged as you thought you would.

4.  Spend thou­sands at Bass Pro Shops on cam­ou­flaged things that dont ben­e­fit from cam­ou­flage but make you feel like a man even though no one re­al­ly knows what a ‘man’ is in 2020 nor if that’s even a worth­while goal. Grab some dumb look­ing Oak­leys too.

5.  Main­line griev­ance cul­ture all day/every day. You don’t want to look lame for not lik­ing new mu­sic and movies. That’s what old peo­ple do. You’re still cool though (right?) so you fo­cus in­stead on how the wrong peo­ple are mak­ing mu­sic and ap­pear­ing in movies. The wrong col­or, the wrong shape, the wrong gen­der. All of it.

6.  Guns. Sure. Guns will solve this. The court hasn’t let you see your kids, you haven’t even sent a check in 18 months but the guns are al­ways there for you. And the shoot­ing range is also like a so­cial club for oth­er guys just like you.

7.  You nev­er cared about pol­i­tics be­fore but this guy re­al­ly speaks to you. He’s mad all the time too and he’s mad about all the same stuff you are. Like that Woman Gov­er­nor and her pussy mask man­date. You’re a man as far as you can tell from steps 1–6 and you’re not go­ing to have a woman telling you to be a pussy just to save the lives of peo­ple you don’t like anyway.

8.  Mili­tia!

White peo­ple get so hard about the con­cept of Defiance.

Like pointy nip­ples and all. Up to a cer­tain amount of melanin.

Then it piss­es them off like you wouldn’t believe.

 

—ja­son malmberg

Flom­mist Ja­son Malm­berg is a sim­ple man who be­lieves in brown liquor and small dogs. He also makes art some­times. Copy­right © 2020 Ja­son Malmberg.

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