interrupting mediocre white man says wat?

“He’s a dis­re­spect­ful ass­hole. Did his moth­er teach him that?”
—Shali­ni Chan­dra

“Mr. Vice Pres­i­dent, I’m speak­ing? I’m speak­ing.”
—Ka­mala Har­ris

“Damn. Ka­mala is crush­ing the shit out of Odo from Deep Space 9.”
—David Loret De Mola

 

Okay, I’ll start here: Frack­ing is tox­ic trash and I don’t give a fuck if a hun­dred thou­sand School of Hard Knocks grad­u­ates in North Dako­ta have to learn a real trade if we ban it.

Else­where in Grand Is­land this past Tues­day, Ne­bras­ka hus­bands were tex­ting each oth­er about how Ka­mala was a “bitch” while their wives get in­spired about what they re­al­ly don’t have to put up with.

Every­thing seems “rad­i­cal” when you live in the mid­dle of nowhere where the most ex­cit­ing thing to hap­pen all year is DQ get­ting a new Bliz­zard fla­vor.

 

Oh cap­tain, my cap­tain.

 

Flac­cid Pence.

Pass that on. Cuz it’s al­ready play­ing.

 

“Can we all agree that The Fly won the de­bate?”
—Lau­ren Rock­et

“Mike Pence hav­ing a fly on his head for quite some time is the best proof he isn’t hu­man. There’s no way he isn’t a ro­bot wear­ing the skin of a per­son”
—Aman­da Layng Mar­tinez

“And all the girlies say he’s pret­ty fly-rid­den for a white guy”
—Joe Re­gan

 

A fly could land on any one of us.

But here’s the thing: If you’re *lik­able* the pub­lic re­sponse will be “can some­one go shoo that thing away from dude?”

If you’re *un*lik­able the re­sponse will be what we’re see­ing, that you are pesti­lence em­bod­ied and the har­bin­ger of plague and rot.

So be lik­able. It’s re­al­ly that sim­ple.

And Pence could have COVID, but I pre­fer to be­lieve Moth­er is fartin’ on them pil­lows.

Both can be true. Don’t take this away from me.

 

Also this week: The New Eng­land Jour­nal of Med­i­cine calls for Trump to go over his botch­ing the COVID re­sponse.

But that com­mer­cial re­al­tor in El Do­ra­do Hills that spent the Oba­ma years post­ing racist memes with wa­ter­mel­ons in them says Trump is the great­est states­man to ever ex­ist, so I’m torn.

 

—ja­son malm­berg

Flom­mist Ja­son Malm­berg is a sim­ple man who be­lieves in brown liquor and small dogs. He also makes art some­times. Copy­right © 2020 Ja­son Malm­berg. Hed stolen from Lau­rie, top im­age swiped from Tyler.

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