“He’s a disrespectful asshole. Did his mother teach him that?”
—Shalini Chandra
“Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking? I’m speaking.”
—Kamala Harris
“Damn. Kamala is crushing the shit out of Odo from Deep Space 9.”
—David Loret De Mola
Okay, I’ll start here: Fracking is toxic trash and I don’t give a fuck if a hundred thousand School of Hard Knocks graduates in North Dakota have to learn a real trade if we ban it.
Elsewhere in Grand Island this past Tuesday, Nebraska husbands were texting each other about how Kamala was a “bitch” while their wives get inspired about what they really don’t have to put up with.
Everything seems “radical” when you live in the middle of nowhere where the most exciting thing to happen all year is DQ getting a new Blizzard flavor.
Oh captain, my captain.
Flaccid Pence.
Pass that on. Cuz it’s already playing.
“Can we all agree that The Fly won the debate?”
—Lauren Rocket
“Mike Pence having a fly on his head for quite some time is the best proof he isn’t human. There’s no way he isn’t a robot wearing the skin of a person”
—Amanda Layng Martinez
“And all the girlies say he’s pretty fly-ridden for a white guy”
—Joe Regan
A fly could land on any one of us.
But here’s the thing: If you’re *likable* the public response will be “can someone go shoo that thing away from dude?”
If you’re *un*likable the response will be what we’re seeing, that you are pestilence embodied and the harbinger of plague and rot.
So be likable. It’s really that simple.
And Pence could have COVID, but I prefer to believe Mother is fartin’ on them pillows.
Both can be true. Don’t take this away from me.
Also this week: The New England Journal of Medicine calls for Trump to go over his botching the COVID response.
But that commercial realtor in El Dorado Hills that spent the Obama years posting racist memes with watermelons in them says Trump is the greatest statesman to ever exist, so I’m torn.
—jason malmberg
Flommist Jason Malmberg is a simple man who believes in brown liquor and small dogs. He also makes art sometimes. Copyright © 2020 Jason Malmberg. Hed stolen from Laurie, top image swiped from Tyler.
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