1)
me:
“As far back as I could remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.”
therapist:
“Listen, this is going to take a really long time if all you do during our sessions is quote Goodfellas.”
2)
me:
“And like that: he’s gone.”
therapist:
“THAT’S NOT EVEN GOODFELLAS, YOU TWIT”
3)
me:
“I made him an offer he can’t refuse.”
therapist:
“Okay everyone knows that’s The Godfather … what ‘offer’ though?”
4)
me: “You had me at hello.”
therapist: [flips table]
5)
me:
“I crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.”
therapist:
“No, that was Andy Dufresne, and the Shawshank Redemption isn’t even a mob movie.”
me:
“Yeah, but my last name sounds a lot like Dufresne though, right?”
6)
me:
DISPATCH WAR ROCKET AJAX TO BRING BACK HIS BODY.
therapist:
hmm, yes, quite *writes on pad*
7)
therapist:
“I just … I just don’t know what to do with this patient. She speaks in nothing but Goodfellas quotes, and even then she gets them wrong. I feel like I hate her.”
their therapist:
“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
therapist: [stares into abyss]
—emily duchaine, with additional material by louis allred jr and rob gonsalves
Flommist Emily Duchaine lives in the Pacific Northwest. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and listen to the Talking Heads. She pretends to be a professional businesswoman most days. Copyright … not sure who owns this. Warner Bros.??
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