a lengthy text to an ex i wish i never knew

my first text af­ter sev­er­al months:

You know, you re­al­ly are a piece of shit. 

You kept go­ing ON AND ON about how you’ve be­come such a bet­ter per­son since we dat­ed in high school.
And I hon­est­ly want­ed to give you the ben­e­fit of the doubt.
Hah. What a mis­take that was!

You clear­ly haven’t changed at all.
It’s pret­ty dis­gust­ing for you to go along and pre­tend to be a friend when you no­ticed that I was at the most vul­ner­a­ble point in my life.
And you reached out to me, act­ing like you want­ed to be a friend. 

You were in­sis­tent on “just be­ing friends,” telling me you re­al­ly just want­ed to make sure that I was okay be­cause you’d seen me post some of the crazi­ness that has be­come my nor­mal every day life.

And you were sooo gen­uine and ex­cit­ed to be my friend again …

You ac­tu­al­ly fooled me. And maybe that’s why I’m so angry.
Be­cause it’s not like you forced me to do any­thing I didn’t want to do…

But you’ve made it VERY CLEAR that you are still the same ass­hole you were in high school.

Hah. Maybe you should try a ca­reer in acting.
Be­cause you re­al­ly made me be­lieve that you’d changed for the better…

But you just end­ed up do­ing the same ex­act bull­shit you’ve al­ways done.

You are a shit stain of my existence.
I hon­est­ly wish I nev­er met you.
 

his re­ply:

Hey, long time no talk. Idk what reminded you how much of a piece of shit I am in your eyes, but I am not trying to hurt you or anybody. And i really hope that you will let go of these feelings because they are heavy. Just wanted to say that before I go back to not letting these messages get to me. We all have our own struggles, and I wanted to be there for yours, but i cannot. So I am wishing you well, and hope you find peace. I will do the same.

 
my re­sponse, aka lengthy text:

HAH. RE­AL­LY?!
That is EX­ACT­LY what you did though! 

You mes­saged me and pre­tend­ed like you ac­tu­al­ly cared and kept say­ing that you changed and what­ev­er blah blah blah.

But that night we hung out? When we were in the jacuzzi that felt nice…
And I told you I didn’t want to do any­thing sexual.
I told you that MUL­TI­PLE TIMES.

And yeah, I prob­a­bly shouldn’t have got­ten in the jacuzzi.
I re­al­ly should have trust­ed my instincts.

But in that mo­ment … I was so des­per­ate to have some kind of hu­man connection.
Also, jacuzzis are amaz­ing so yeah. I did it for the OB­JECT, not YOU.

But then lay­ing in your bed …
You said you were tired and you just want­ed some­one to cud­dle with.
Again, I know I should have left right then and there, but that prob­a­bly would have made you angry.
And I didn’t know how I was go­ing to get back home if I end­ed up piss­ing you off and you might have said some­thing like, 

“we’ll fine, just walk home then, slut!”

Of course, those could be my self dep­re­cat­ing thoughts get­ting the bet­ter of me that night …

But I agreed.

And then …

You did one of the most dis­gust­ing things any­one has ever done.
You pulled your cock out and start­ed jerk­ing off.
Say­ing some­thing about how you 

“couldn’t help it, you were just so turned on.”

I mean … WAT THE FUCK DUDE?!
You just HAD to do it, did you? Couldn’t help yourself?
HAH. THAT IS SO PA­THET­IC. AND GROSS.

AND YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

It made me feel so un­com­fort­able and so disgusting.
I re­al­ized at that mo­ment, you’d nev­er in­tend­ed to just hang out as friends.
Nah.
You saw me as an easy tar­get, and hunt­ed me down like prey.

Of course, you com­plete­ly ghost­ed me af­ter that.

I dun­no man, you might have changed in oth­er ways in your life.

But you haven’t with me.
And that re­al­ly hurts …

I hon­est­ly think that you just reach out to me when you’re des­per­ate for sex and you know that I’m eas­i­ly in­flu­enced so that’s why you talk to me.
That’s how you’ve treat­ed me.

And that’s why I know you’re nev­er go­ing to change.

Prove me wrong or some­thing. But I just want­ed to call you out on your bull­shit and let you know that your be­hav­ior was just … ugh­hh. It was such an aw­ful feel­ing lay­ing next to you while you did that.

And re­al­iz­ing that’s all you’ll ever be in­ter­est­ed in me for.

It’s re­al­ly fucked up. But ya know, you’re not the only one who’s done that.

And I have to take re­spon­si­bil­i­ty and say that I did go along with it.
You nev­er forced me to do any­thing or what­ev­er and I’ll nev­er ac­cuse you of that.

But yeah …
You made me feel like noth­ing but a sex­u­al object.
Just had to tell you that.

I’m not even that an­gry about it any­more. I was when it hap­pened. But yeah … it got brought up in a con­ver­sa­tion that I was hav­ing with some­one about nar­cis­sism and ma­nip­u­la­tive behaviors. 

Hah. And it made me think of you.
Sor­ry. Not re­al­ly though. Just be­ing honest.

Lol.
I mean we could have talked about ANY­THING ELSE BE­SIDES SEX.

But THATS all you fo­cused on. It’s just … it’s re­al­ly sad, honestly.

But again, I was a fool for go­ing along with it and think­ing that you were different.

Some peo­ple nev­er change, right?

 

—kait­lyn­jane

Flom­mist KAiT­LYN­jane has been draw­ing and writ­ing sto­ries ever since she knew how to scrib­ble on a piece of pa­per, or her sister’s fore­head when she was just two weeks old. Copy­right © 2022 KAiTLYNjane.

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