this is glorious and wonderful

 
Lim­baugh died.

Rot in shame for what you did to our country.

I wish I be­lieved in Hell.

 

Also,
 
I’m old enough to remember
 
when re­pub­li­cans thought 45’s
 
pres­i­den­cy was an unprecedented
 
suc­cess be­cause dereg­u­la­tion …

 

so my el­dest broth­er, who is a mo­ron, has been play­ing sol­dier with his mo­ron friends in the deserts of texas for the last year prepar­ing for the col­lapse of civ­i­liza­tion if biden won (lol). they were bury­ing food and ammo stash­es out in the desert, run­ning drills, crazy stuff

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

this in­clud­ed get­ting a cb li­cense so he could be their life­line to oth­er groups of white id­iots when the cell tow­ers all went of­fline. would­n’t want to vi­o­late fed­er­al law while com­mu­ni­cat­ing with your re­sis­tance groups af­ter the fall of the fed­er­al gov­ern­ment i guess.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

any­ways, you would as­sume giv­en that they’ve been prep­ping for the end of the world for at least a year they’re well sit­u­at­ed to ride out the rolling black­outs right?

well­ll

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

their plan for cook­ing and heat­ing dur­ing an ex­tend­ed pow­er out­age was nat­ur­al gas, but like a lot of homes their gas ser­vice is out. the food in their freez­er and fridge is al­ready toast due to the pow­er out­rages, so they’re down to canned stuff, but there’s a catch.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

they can get into the pull top cans just fine, but the ones that re­quire an open­er? their only can open­er is elec­tric. so a good ³⁄₄ of his canned food store is in­ac­ces­si­ble to him un­less he goes af­ter it with a knife, which i sin­cere­ly hope he does.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

so cap­tain sur­vival was eat­ing un­heat­ed ravi­o­li out of a can yes­ter­day be­cause i guess he does­n’t know how to start a fire? they have a fire pit but it too is gas fired.

he told my mom they’re prob­a­bly go­ing to break into the sur­vival buck­ets soon. i’m sure that’s great food.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

he told my mom that the black­out is due to texas switch­ing every­thing to “wind pow­er” but that he did­n’t dis­count that the gov­ern­ment was do­ing this on pur­pose. if you can fig­ure out why they’d ar­bi­trar­i­ly freeze out a gi­ant state hey points to you.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

the sav­ing grace in all this is he’s hav­ing to ra­tion his phone us­age so he can’t sit on the phone with my mom for hours cry­ing about it. he’s forced to sit there and talk to his wife, who is al­most as dumb as he is.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

pre­sum­ably he’s sit­ting there shiv­er­ing, rant­i­ng about libs while he sucks down cold bee­fa­roni. what a life.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

he’s tried con­tact­ing his best friend in his lit­tle larp­ing group, but he’s gone to ground. i sin­cere­ly hope that means he thinks this is the start of the great purge or what­ev­er and he’s dis­ap­peared to the moun­tains to evade fema and child sup­port bailiffs

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

i’m try­ing to get more de­tails from my mom but i have to play it cool. if i laugh she’ll stop telling me about it, so i have to pre­tend this is very se­ri­ous and i’m con­cerned for his safe­ty while i’m imag­in­ing him hit­ting a can of baked beans with a screw­driv­er repeatedly

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

on the plus side they’ve got plen­ty of guns and ammo, so they can shoot the shit out of the snow.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

lock­ing two peo­ple with mar­i­tal strife in a house with no sup­plies, no ac­cess to pow­er, but plen­ty of ac­cess to guns and ammo seems like a great idea. i think this should work out great.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

just to give you all some ad­di­tion­al com­fort: his wife is part of the group who helps se­lect the text­books texas buys every year, just in case you’re won­der­ing about the kind of peo­ple that make those decisions.

— Jean-Michel Con­nard (@torriangray) Feb­ru­ary 16, 2021

 

—ja­son malmberg

Flom­mist Ja­son Malm­berg is a sim­ple man who be­lieves in brown liquor and small dogs. He also makes art some­times. Copy­right © 2021 Ja­son Malmberg.

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