what would kimmy schmidt do?

This seems to be a time of year for tran­si­tions, or awak­en­ings. I feel like I’m ex­pe­ri­enc­ing a touch of both.

I met these two frac­tured pieces of my mind that ap­pear to fit to­geth­er, be­cause they are shaped like they do, but they were split apart by some in­sane Chris­t­ian Grey shit two years ago and haven’t touched since then. There are things I want to do, that would make me hap­py, that I do not feel any con­scious sense of con­flict about, but I won’t do them, be­cause that one piece that won’t talk to me still has some kind of a prob­lem.

Maybe she thinks she can’t, or maybe is wait­ing for an­oth­er self-pro­claimed so­ciopath to come and boss her around. I can make prac­ti­cal guess­es, know­ing that this is a part of my­self that is not ac­tu­al­ly sep­a­rate in any way. How­ev­er, the wire that sends that in­for­ma­tion, to let me in­tu­itive­ly feel like I’m not se­cret­ly shar­ing my body with an­oth­er per­son some­how, has been cut for a while.

I try to read the ac­tions I can’t ex­plain like I would from a friend do­ing the same, but they seem like they’re com­ing from some­one in a way worse place than ever I feel like I’m in. Maybe that is the point though. I feel okay be­cause I’m dis­so­ci­at­ed from that piece of self that isn’t. Now I don’t know how tell her the sit­u­a­tion is safe to come out, that she isn’t crazy or too much, and that when she built that blan­ket fort to keep the world out, she also took the TV in­side and we kin­da need it right now.
 

—bwargh von mod­nar

Flom­mist Bwargh von Mod­nar is. Copy­right © 2018 Bwargh von Mod­nar.‬

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