‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’

Bor­der­line Per­son­al­i­ty tru­ly sucks be­cause even though I’ve learned how to man­age my anger and outbursts —

I still have that ex­treme feel­ing of emptiness.

I still have no idea what I want to do in my life, who I am, or who I’m sup­posed to be.

Most peo­ple know this by now and al­ready have a ca­reer in some­thing they are pas­sion­ate about.

I envy those peo­ple so much. 

Of course I’m ex­treme­ly proud of them and grate­ful that they’ve been so suc­cess­ful, but there’s still a part of me that wonders, 

“why not me?”

Not to take away from their ac­com­plish­ments, but I just wish I could be more like them.

When some­one asks the question,

“How would you de­scribe your­self?” or “Who do you want to be?”

It’s al­most an im­pos­si­ble ques­tion, be­cause to this day, I still don’t know who I am. 

When it’s said that peo­ple with bor­der­line lit­er­al­ly feel like emp­ty shells, they tru­ly mean it. 

I guess when I was younger, I want­ed to be an artist.

But I don’t even get plea­sure or en­ter­tain­ment from that anymore.

Part of me won­ders if I should start try­ing to doc­u­ment my ex­pe­ri­ences re­lat­ed to BPD, be­cause it’s not some­thing every­one goes through. 

At the very least, I could help oth­ers to un­der­stand how peo­ple like me feel.

Idk.

Part of me wants to but then most of me doubts that any­one ac­tu­al­ly cares.

I sound so emo.

But I guess that comes with my dis­or­der, right?

 

—kait­lyn­jane

Flom­mist KAiT­LYN­jane has been draw­ing and writ­ing sto­ries ever since she knew how to scrib­ble on a piece of pa­per, or her sister’s fore­head when she was just two weeks old. Copy­right © 2022 KAiT­LYN­jane. Im­age: Ed­vard Munch.

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