ralphie is crazy

I didn’t grow up ob­serv­ing the holiday. 

Like any out­sider, I was in­tro­duced to your cus­toms via glossy media. 

Let’s just ad­dress this:

·  All Christ­mas mu­sic bangs
·  Every Damn song is amazing
·  And yea, they’re an ex­haust­ing ca­coph­o­ny of cheer, rev­er­ence, and bells – but we let it slide 

Clas­sic Christ­mas movies are weird. They op­er­ate on spe­cif­ic rules. 

It’s a Won­der­ful Life (1946). Chris­tian­i­ty is in the back­ground but it’s nev­er men­tioned overt­ly. This is mod­ern Amer­i­ca de­void of su­per­sti­tions but:

·  Clarence is an an­gel, who loves Tom Sawyer
·  God is a Galaxy (I guess)?
·  It’s about be­liev­ing, not seeing

Christ­mas is of­ten de­fined by wat it isn’t:

·  It’s Not about commercialism
·  It’s Not about your bonus
·  It’s Not about liv­ing up to expectations 

George Bai­ley isn’t a mas­sive suc­cess but he’s still a great guy. Far bet­ter than Mr. Pot­ter, right?

You got­ta be okay with the sen­ti­men­tal­i­ty of the sea­son and it’s syrupy sug­ar-laden flavor. 

Try not to tear up. This is tougher than you think. 

The sea­son over­whelms every adult. Al­co­hol is nec­es­sary. Bars are more com­mon than church steeples in these films. 

“Bud­dy, you’ve has enough.”

‘Tell me about it.’

Mor­tal­i­ty looms be­hind every white beard. 

“That San­ta in the re­make is en­tire­ly too old to STILL be alive right?”

‘Mir­a­cle of 34th Street (1992) San­ta? He’s not in any Juras­sic Worlds …’

Air­port (1970) is a Christ­mas movie. 

Joe Pa­troni had them arms. Had the cho­les­terol of a Ko­re­an War vet.

Well, I have his temper.

Die Hard (1988). I Mc­Clane through my en­tire life. Bare­foot, bleed­ing, and surly.

·  Mc­Clane on a bus
·  Mc­Clane at the Post Office
·  Mc­Clane in a meeting

Ugh, there’s se­quels!! They re­al­ly need to avoid that with The Classics.

Bat­man Re­turns (1992) may be a Christ­mas Movie. 

I’m still work­ing through this. Again, most of these are rentals. Re­mem­ber when these were just on?

The egg nog and left­overs should last for a few days.

 

—louis her­nan­dez

Flom­mist Louis Her­dan­dez is ob­sessed with go­ing Bauhaus and be­com­ing The Ma­chine. Prefer­ably a drill press. Copy­right © 2022 Louis Hernandez.

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