radioactive

In the past few days, I’ve spo­ken to sev­er­al peo­ple about how hard it feels to do any­thing right now.

One friend said to me that she feels like she and her hus­band rarely do any­thing oth­er than “reg­u­lar life main­te­nance stuff” and yet it seems like they haven’t had very much down time at all, and she has no idea how she used to fit every­thing in when she had to leave the house for work, iron clothes, shop for groceries …

I told her I think part of it is the whole state of the world tak­ing its toll on peo­ple and mak­ing every task, no mat­ter how small, just seem so daunt­ing and in­sur­mount­able and exhausting.

An­oth­er friend told me that hav­ing to deal with even just one es­pe­cial­ly dif­fi­cult per­son in her life makes her com­plete­ly worn out and that she has has no en­er­gy af­ter she sees said per­son to do any­thing at home. 

Which I com­plete­ly get. 

Un­der “nor­mal” cir­cum­stances (I don’t even know what those are any­more, I don’t think they ex­ist) if I went through some­thing like that, I’d at least be able to walk away from it and come down in a rea­son­able amount of time in­stead of feel­ing zapped un­til I went to bed and hope­ful­ly felt bet­ter the next day. 

Then I was re­lay­ing these sto­ries to a third friend over din­ner last night and she said, “Yeah, I don’t think we ever did any of that all that well, though.”

She was right.

And I’m able to rec­og­nize that it’s def­i­nite­ly very much sea­son­al de­pres­sion mag­ni­fy­ing every­thing I’m feel­ing too, be­cause that hap­pens every year. 

When the sun comes up so late and goes down so ear­ly, my sense of time and re­sources and abil­i­ty to do any­thing gets warped. I know I should be get­ting some ex­er­cise every day, now more than ever. 

But all I want to do is sleep, and rest when I’m awake.
 

And the wait­ing mu­sic on this we­bi­nar is a pi­ano ren­di­tion of Ra­dioac­tive by Imag­ine Dragons.

 

—emi­ly duchaine

Flom­mist Emi­ly Duchaine lives in the Pa­cif­ic North­west. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and lis­ten to the Talk­ing Heads. She pre­tends to be a pro­fes­sion­al busi­ness­woman most days. Copy­right © 2021 Emi­ly Duchaine.

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