This year started amidst a storm
praying we would keep our power
and followed like that most of the year
My new therapist upon meeting me
diagnosed me with oceans of grief
behind my eyes and prescribed crying once a week
I told him i’d been doing that for the last few years
Right when I caught my balance the sky split open
and I held my hero’s hand as he left
waiting for me to catch my breath before he
said goodbye in a language that sounded
like surrender to the untrained ear
The pastor reassured us that he went to heaven
I put the choir together myself to sing his favorite songs
placed diamonds in his crown
said everything there could not be left to say
and put on 50 pounds swallowing my grief
This year I did it all sober as a nun
except for those two CBD joints in Puerto Rico
but I’m pretty sure you set me up because
I didn’t think I would get high and
it was Dia de los Muertos and
you thought we needed to talk
I heard him laughingly question me that night
why I would come to paradise to cry
that there was enough warm, salty water here
so I decided to have an adventure for everytime you didn’t
This year they honored me with
a key to the city I fell in love with
The ghosts all wore their best to the ceremony
Ernie says it’s just brass and he can burn the mayor’s name off and put whatever I want.
I tell the kids every time they bring it up that they
are the real key to the city
because they are
This year the music saved me again
as it always does
it helped me dance and cry when I needed to (once a week at least)
held me close and kept me safe
while embracing all the flaws i’ve dragged to the surface
in order to breathe
deeper
This year I wrote two of my best pieces of work
One a poem for the city that I love
and one a farewell for my father
Both of them I continue writing every day.
This year I sat at the foot of a mountain
contemplating what making it move
would really take
I left more than even I knew
in a place I never thought I would go
Thank you Wyoming for your clarity.
This year I sat still almost every time I needed to
ate fruit from trees I’d planted a lifetime ago
sweeter than I’d ever imagined
bitter as they had to be
to make me plant again this season
I’ve seen stars and waves in ways
that I never had
touched God in ways I never wanted
cried out to silence in ways that only heal
once they’ve broken you
and remembered there are still dreams to have
to just be
fully and wildly
unapologetic as a river current
and lifetimes more intentional
so that the only thing left when you leave
is the kind of love that
never loses power
despite the storms around us.
—andru defeye
smooth waters never made a skilled sailor —f d r
Flommist Andru Defeye is the Guerrilla Poet Laureate of Sacramento. Copyright © 2023 Andru Defeye. ty Amanda.
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