m’lady,

Went to To­tal Wine to­day to pick out a whiskey for Aaron. Wasn’t in the aisle more than five sec­onds be­fore an em­ploy­ee swoops in.

“Can I help you find any­thing?”

me:
*ex­treme­ly po­lite and cour­te­ous*
“Oh no thank you, I’m just look­ing. If I need help I’ll def­i­nite­ly let you know though!”

Now, that’s where my man­ners end­ed.

I re­spect peo­ple in the ser­vice in­dus­try but you should have seen this guy. I turned to look and holy shit. If a uni­cy­cle had a baby with a fe­do­ra and named it Mi­la­dy, it would be this guy.

He says, “Well, I’m very ca­pa­ble of help­ing you, as I’ve had ex­ten­sive ex­pe­ri­ence se­lect­ing some of the finest whiskeys in the world … ”

me:

 

 

 

 

 

(LIS­TEN HERE JUN­YA, I’VE BEEN TO FUCK­ING SCOT­LAND AND TEN­NESSEE AND THE MULT­NOM­AH WHISKEY LI­BRARY AND ABOUT A HUN­DRED OTH­ER PLACES AND I’VE TRIED LIT­ER­AL­LY HUN­DREDS OF WHISKEYS FACK OFF)

 

 

 

 

 

Just to be clear, there are many friend­ly, help­ful peo­ple at To­tal Wine, and I don’t mind a sug­ges­tion even when I’ve de­clined be­cause the clerk is ex­cit­ed about some­thing they par­tic­u­lar­ly like and want to tell me.

This guy was not that.

 

 

 

 

 

(Do I stuff it up my vag? I’m a woman. I have trou­ble with do­ing a whiskey.)

 

—emi­ly duchaine

Flom­mist Emi­ly Duchaine lives in the Pa­cif­ic North­west. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and lis­ten to the Talk­ing Heads. She pre­tends to be a pro­fes­sion­al busi­ness­woman most days. Copy­right © 2020 Emi­ly Duchaine.

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