“So even if you feel like you are making garbage, don’t worry – there are literally millions of people who’ll love it.”
—David Loret de Mola, on CATS, derTung 20 july 2019
“🎶 Midnight … and the kitties are sleeping; downstairs in the basement, while birdies are cheeping. 🎶”
—David Letterman, ad nauseum
Once again it’s time for liveblogging Movies After Dark, with your hostess Emily Duchaine.
And tonight our feature is CATS (2019).
Joining me will be mah friend Anna.
And I don’t want to bother anyone in the theater with my phone but come on. It’s CATS.
Plus, as of right now we are, like … the only purchased tickets.
I knew I was ready to watch this movie when we were in line for popcorn and the person behind the counter asked me “What can I get for you?” and I just exploded with laughter.
I also way too enthusiastically said “Oh and please layer the butter!”
And here we go, ladies and gents!!
+ + +
Oh god this preview for Trolls 2 won’t end please help.
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Nooooooo Doctor Doolittle who asked for this whyyyyyuyyyyy???
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You guys we’ve sat here for twenty minutes of previews –
not sure we are even in the right theater.
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What am I watching?
AAAAAAAAA
They have human feet and hands!
“We live in a society.”
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Oh my god they’ve finally done it. They’ve made a Furry movie.
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Oh good, Rebel Wilson as clumsy fat girl 🙄
I have seen Rebel Wilson’s cat taint.
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Eating a cockroach. nbd.
Anna:
They have human faces 😳
“You offer me cream and I just sniff and stare,” oh no those are lyrics.
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Alternative title: “Jennifer Hudson Owes a Lot of Money to the IRS.”
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I swear to fuckin god one of these cats is Hugh Laurie.
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This Babadook (2014) sequel is terrible.
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Anna:
Do you think there are people here who think they have to pretend to like it because it’s Broadway?
God I hope so.
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Anna:
Is this one of those movies where they sing all the time?
*nodding and dying*
What?! Musicals aren’t like that!
EVERY MUSICAL IS THAT.
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Anna:
How long have we been watching this?
Oh my god only half an hour! 😳
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Wait, is this The Love Boat music?!
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“I’ve lost all of my cockroaches!” —Rebel Wilson cat
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Alternative title: “Judy Dench Owes a Lot of Money to the IRS.”
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Alternative title: “Ian McKellen Owes a Lot of Money to the IRS.”
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One of these cats is straight up wearing pants and suspenders and no other cat is.
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All these cats want to fuck.
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Awwwwww shit’s gettin funky, the one black guy showed up!
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Why are some cats wearing tennis shoes and some aren’t?
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You guys, I think Judy Dench just came.
🎶 If ahhhhhhhh were the kiiiiiiinnnggg, of the faaarrrrruuussssttt! 🎶
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Memory starts: “O shit here we go!”
This whole thing is an allegory for the coke fueled 80s.
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Are you lookinn for a movie with incels who are also hipsters AND cats?! WHELL
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Oh no, someone please call Ian McKellen’s live in nurse. He thinks this is real.
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I think I am chewing these Reese’s Pieces really loud.
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Oh no they are all in heat.
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Someone brought their child here unironically.
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Anna:
I FUCKING HATE THIS.
THERE IS TAP DANCING.
Wait, is this STOMP?
I didn’t know we were in the Broadway production of Cake.
They’re on railroad tracks and if we judge by size, the cats are 4 inches across.
CATS ARENT THAT FUCKIN TINY LOOK AT THE TRACKS!
Nothing is to scale. I am dying.
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Anna:
When is Anna Kendrick gonna show up?
She’s not in this.
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Oh god I hope this ruins her FOREVER.
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I think Taylor Swift cat is going to bang all these cats!
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Taylor Swift has the worst British accent ever.
“Oi, Mistah! You me dad?”
O MY GOD you can see Taylor Swift’s nipples through her leotard.
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We have caught several times now how they forgot to render a lot of the cat disguises and it totally looks like they’re wearing bald caps with cat hair glued to them.
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Every villainous detestable cat in this movie is a dark coloured cat!
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Oh my god he literally looks like the devil.
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“YURE A WIZARD HARRY”
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Holy shit, they painted the obviously Asian woman as a tiger.
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Anna:
Why are you wearing that stupid jacket if you don’t want people to think you’re a magician?
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DUSTIN DIAMOND.
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This KISS reunion concert is terrible.
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MY EYES. THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING.
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THAT IS THE SECOND TIME REBEL WILSON HAS unzippered HER FUR.
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Anna:
Why are all the businesses cat names but they’re people size?
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I’m so confused by this scene because both actresses are black and one of them is literally her white (cat) savior.
Anna:
What is even happening here?
The Judi Dench cat gets to pick another cat to be reborn, thing.
How are we supposed to know that, all they do is sing!
That’s literally it though! Because it’s a sing off!
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Me looking at Jennifer Hudson right now:
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Anna:
NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE
Oh my god they put white makeup around Jennifer Hudson’s mouth and eyes.
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“You are the lucky chosen one. The one to get to leave this movie.”
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The tails are prehensile, I repeat, the tails are prehensile!
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This sequel to Midsommar (2019) is wild.
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CATS! In Vegas!
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Judi Dench is breaking the 4th wall …
*demonic voice* KILL!
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“Paul Stanley Owes a Lot of Money to the IRS”
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Anna:
Wait what happened to the cat they took away? It became glue?
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This is where Andrew Lloyd Webber let his legacy go.
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If this is what sinks Taylor Swift’s boat I’ll start believing in a higher power.
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Anna:
*reading the cats names*
These Jeopardy categories are terrible.
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Idris Elba was in that movie!?
Why did so many huge stars agree to do this. Why.
Anna:
Is that the guy from Dawson’s Creek?
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Loook at that thing. That’s like a Star Wars scroll. Look at all the people embarrassed to be part of this.
Anna:
Why didn’t they cgi Rachel McAdams’ moles?
IT JUST KEEPS GOING
In the quiet at the end, in the theater, you can hear me proclaim “oh my god this was terrible.”
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I can see forever now.
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**Emily and Anna leave the theatre**
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Oh god the Uber driver is a fucking serial killer.
Anna:
He almost hit a pedestrian right off the bat.
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HE LAUGHS LIKE PATRICK BATEMAN!
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IS THIS THE THIRD TIME WE DROVE PAST JC PENNEY??
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This Uber driver is explaining the plot of The Art of Racing in the Rain (2019) the way Homer Simpson explains the bus that couldn’t slow down.
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“Do you know why they call it the Ford GT 40? You don’t,” he said without pausing to let Anna reply.
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OH MY GOD HE JUST TURNED UP GREEN DAY AND THEN LAUGHED AND SAID “TOO RACY?!”
I don’t want Brain Stew to be the last song I ever hear!
Anna:
My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleeeedddd
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This guy just said he can’t get enough of The Nutcracker. “I’ve probably seen it six thousand times.”
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We made it home! We are alive!
epilogue
It’s really fuckin’ bizarre how straight they managed to make that movie.
I actually did see the off Broadway run of CATS in San Francisco when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I also watched it again on VHS when I was 11 or 13.
This is Mister Mistoffelees in the show:
And this is Mister Mistoffelees in the movie:
Mister Mistoffelees in the show was FUCKING FABULOUS and I’m pretty sure was into EVERY CAT.
This incel looking motherfucker in the movie was only into the white, obviously female cat and he sniveled and cowered and was generally an epic loser and not at all magical or fabulous.
I didn’t pick up on this in the theater ’cause I was cackling like a banshee, but according to reviews, Grizabella is shamed and it’s implied she’s doing sex work?
Who is this movie for??
12 hours later
“CATS is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs.”
—favorite review I’ve heard so far
I woke up today not sure I really had that whole experience yesterday. Hours later, Anna and I were like, “Wait did that actually happen?” I don’t think I could ever watch that movie ever again.
Everything about it was terrible and insane, from start to finish. And honestly, even Jennifer Hudson wasn’t that good. I think it’s like being in Chernobyl – you can’t go there and not get irradiated.
I turned and said to Anna countless times, trying not to die laughing, “Oh my god WHAT is this??”
Make no mistake: That was the hardest I’ve laughed watching a movie, ever. The only thing that came close was when I saw Hot Fuzz (2007) but I was sober, which is a testament to how truly funny it is.
There were several times I thought I was going to pee in the seat I was laughing so hard. I had an absolute blast. But it cannot be overemphasized how terrible that movie is. That was quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen, and I’ve seen Silver Linings Playbook (2012).
When we bought tickets there were only two other seats sold. When we walked in the theater was over half full. We walked in ten minutes after the start time and sat there for another twenty minutes of previews wondering if we walked into Little Women (2019). Then when CATS started we couldn’t believe how full the theater was.
My guess is a good half the audience was there for the same reason we were and half were there in earnest.
Someone with a lot of money thought CATS was a good idea.
Lots of very very famous people with golden reputations in Hollywood thought CATS was a good idea.
There are bad ideas, children.
Really, really stupid, bad ideas.
—emily duchaine
Flommist Emily Duchaine lives in the Pacific Northwest. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and listen to the Talking Heads. She pretends to be a professional businesswoman most days. Copyright © 2020 Emily Duchaine. Hed swiped from Jim Barg.
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