chunks of flommus
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kiss & tell

I remember visiting a family friend back in Kolkata and squirming in my seat when he started showing signs of sweet affection towards his would-be “foreigner” wife in the presence of his parents. None of us knew how to react or where to look. The worst part? I was well in my 30s, had shot a baby out of my vagina, and was still reacting that way.

So, why did a gentle, sweet, warm, and reassuring show of love make me uncomfortable?

Growing up, I had never witnessed real adults hug or kiss. My grandparents were barely ever in the same room together. The only time I would see them in proximity was when my grandma would serve my grandfather his meals. Maybe that is why they were known for family planning back in the day. They had only five children compared to my maternal grandparents who had nine. Not that I ever saw any PDA from them either. Now that I think of it, I’m not sure if I ever witnessed the latter even speak to each other. My parents, my relatives, parents of friends, neighbors, not a single married couple around me ever showed ANY signs of physical affection towards each other.

To many of us, this equates to decency and “sanskar” (good values). Love does not need to be displayed. We don’t want to be subjected to witnessing other people’s affection. This gives children the wrong kind of message. Some things should always remain private (read behind closed bedroom doors). So on and so forth. The culture that gave the world Kamasutra somehow thinks kissing or holding your loved ones in public is obscene. This gets so ingrained in us that when we travel to foreign countries or move there, we try to protect ourselves and eventually our kids from what we think is a lack of value system.

So, how do we go from a complete lack of physical affection in our day-to-day life to full-on baby-making mode behind closed doors?

We don’t.

Well, I mean … we do. But in doing so we create a culture adverse to what a loving relationship should be like.

Think about it this way. Above anything, as parents we want our kids to excel in school because we think that will help them excel in life. We expose them to advanced levels of mathematics and science throughout their childhood. We even have them in piano lessons to improve their math brain. We do so by showing and setting examples of how we became doctors and engineers and hope they will follow suit.

And what do we expect from our kids after school and career? To “settle” down aka Marriage.

Then why aren’t we exposing our kids to love and setting examples there?

Because for many of us, love and marriage are not the same.

Let that sink in for a while.

Big fat weddings come with big fat value systems. For many, marriage is a big compromise. Romantic relationships and sex before marriage is bad. Bad or forced sex after marriage is well … marriage. Marriage means babies, beatings, and sometimes both. It comes with stereotypical roles and many many skeletons in one’s closet.

Granted this does not describe ALL our marriages. But have we ever thought that if our parents or their parents had shown physical signs of affection and support for each other, our idea of romantic relationships or marriages might have been different? That our men would have learned how to treat their women with love and respect and our women would have learned what to truly expect from a loving relationship? After all, we humans do as we see.

I often wonder if my grandparents ever kissed or hugged, even behind closed doors. I clearly know they had sex (five children!!!), but did my grandmother ever have a choice in that? Did my grandfather really love my grandmother and vice versa? I never saw or heard any signs of it. I witnessed my grandmother dedicate her entire life to serve this one man even when he was rude and offensive to her. I never saw my grandfather even remotely return the favor. In our culture that is the true measure of a successful marriage. Whether they truly loved each other, no one will ever really know. That dedication will be recognized as love and this will set standards for relationships in years to come.

My parents had a failed marriage, but I sometimes wonder if there were any moments of real affection shared between them either. Making babies do not equate to love in our marital relations. Babies most often are bi-products of marriage. We bring them into the world from loveless marriages because we hope to find love in our hearts for them instead.

So, what I’m trying to say is, if you are that lucky couple who stay together out of love, don’t hesitate to show your love and affection for each other openly. Hold each other, give each other hugs and kisses, pass along a compliment, put your love in words, all in front of your kids, your friends, your family, and even absolute strangers. Let your kids witness your love for math and the other parent. Because seeing love is a beautiful thing and most importantly, feeling loved openly is empowering as hell.

—mala paul

Flommist Mala Paul is a protégé of the goddess of ten hands. Form to formless all in a day’s job. A mother, designer, dancer, foodie, fashionista, blogger, who is always ready to be the change. Copyright © 2020 Mala P. Mullins. Pictured up top: Munch, The Kiss IV, ¹⁸⁹⁷⁄₁₉₀₂.