fifth grade shitbag

I ran­dom­ly re­mem­bered a 5th grade home­work assignment. 

I had to draw a fic­tion­al char­ac­ter fol­lowed by a syn­op­sis of who they were from pop­u­lar me­dia. Nat­u­ral­ly, I for­got to do it and at­tempt­ed to pass off a ran­dom sketch I drew as the assignment.

A were­wolf sprout­ing from roots.

The teacher called my bluff, asked me to cite the work from whence my Were­wolf flower came. I made up some tale of Stan Lee’s bas­tard lovechild, a failed com­ic artist turned florist and chil­dren’s book au­thor who had writ­ten an ob­scure man­u­script about Monster/Flower hybrids.

Ms. Hav­ishalm wasn’t amused and I got an F. I told her the grade re­flect­ed an ed­i­to­r­i­al bias against bas­tard play­wrights and es­o­teric works.

Af­ter, every one of my Sin­gle Mind­ed Propo­si­tion book re­ports re­ceived a fail­ing grade. As did my haikus about Fart Nuggets, our class ham­ster (I won a raf­fle and got to name him).

My only take­away from this mem­o­ry are the following:

1.  I still think I de­served at least a D.

2.  Google would have made my child­hood impossible

3.  I am a hor­ri­ble student.

4.  It was a wicked Were­wolf Flower.
 
 

—louis her­nan­dez

Flom­mist Louis Her­dan­dez is ob­sessed with go­ing Bauhaus and be­com­ing The Ma­chine. Prefer­ably a drill press. Copy­right © 2018 Louis Her­nan­dez. Im­age: Nor­man Rock­well, Hap­py Birth­day, Miss Jones (cropped), 1956, source.

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