dear god,

How the fuck do I end up around these people?

I’m in my fa­vorite pho restau­rant and there’s only one oth­er oc­cu­pied ta­ble in here and these peo­ple are talk­ing as loud as hu­man­ly possible.

Like,
if you looked up the de­f­i­n­i­tion of “quin­tes­sen­tial state work­er boomer” in the dic­tio­nary, a pic­ture of them at lunch would be on the page.

Then one of the women com­plained she hadn’t got­ten her Chardon­nay yet (fuckin’ lol) and when the serv­er said it was com­ing and went to get it, she wait­ed a beat be­fore qui­et­ly remarking

“so is Christmas.”

 

Then
I had to get the at­ten­tion of the serv­er be­cause my or­der was wrong and when I said,

“Ex­cuse me,”

the en­tire ta­ble stopped talk­ing and turned to look at me.

Af­ter the serv­er start­ed walk­ing to­ward me, the loud­est one said,

“Oh I thought she was talk­ing to me.”

 

I am
hard pressed to think of an­oth­er per­son I’ve seen in my life who looks more like Cathy from the comics, and BOTH these women do.

 

Now
she’s loud­ly demon­strat­ing how Lu­ciano Pavarot­ti sang Nes­sun Dorma –

 

I live in a god­damn sitcom.

 

—emi­ly duchaine

Flom­mist Emi­ly Duchaine lives in the Pa­cif­ic North­west. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and lis­ten to the Talk­ing Heads. She pre­tends to be a pro­fes­sion­al busi­ness­woman most days. Copy­right © 2019 Emi­ly Duchaine.

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