‘but wait, there’s mor’

Have you ever want­ed Joe Pesci AND Daniel Stern three inch­es on ei­ther side of your junk? WELL.

I try to min­i­mize my ex­po­sure to ad­ver­tis­ing,
but,
when you live in Amer­i­ca, un­less you live in a cave in the re­mote wilder­ness of the Rocky Moun­tains, it’s still gonna getcha.

Plus, my car only has an FM ra­dio, so there’s that.

Fuck­ing A, I hate this time of year. What a farce.

It start­ed with

“Black Fri­day sales, start­ing to­mor­row af­ter­noon.”

That to­mor­row was Wednes­day.

“Doors will be open six o’clock pee em Thanks­giv­ing Day!”

Haha WOW that’s TER­RI­BLE.

For Christ­mas,
I should give each mem­ber of my fam­i­ly one of those se­quined pil­lows that, when you rub it, re­veals Nico­las Cage’s face.

The Pa­cif­ic North­west is fas­ci­nat­ing.
You could di­vide every­one up by their pre­ferred out­er­wear brand and make soc­cer teams. The Patag­o­nias vs. the North Faces, the REIs vs the Columbias.

How did we ever get to the moon?
Have you ever watched peo­ple in a gro­cery store?
They nav­i­gate through the aisles like they’re stuck in the hedge maze from The Shin­ing.

“What bet­ter way to cel­e­brate the hol­i­days than with a shiny new Lexus? Topped with a big red bow!”

Oh my god, go fuck your­self.

Gross. Gross gross gross gross gross. Ah­h­h­h­h­h­h­hh, I fuck­ing hate it.
 
 

—emi­ly duchaine

Flom­mist Emi­ly Duchaine lives in the Pa­cif­ic North­west. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and lis­ten to the Talk­ing Heads. She pre­tends to be a pro­fes­sion­al busi­ness­woman most days. Copy­right © 2018 Emi­ly Duchaine.

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