Have you ever wanted Joe Pesci AND Daniel Stern three inches on either side of your junk? WELL.
I try to minimize my exposure to advertising,
but,
when you live in America, unless you live in a cave in the remote wilderness of the Rocky Mountains, it’s still gonna getcha.
Plus, my car only has an FM radio, so there’s that.
Fucking A, I hate this time of year. What a farce.
It started with
“Black Friday sales, starting tomorrow afternoon.”
That tomorrow was Wednesday.
“Doors will be open six o’clock pee em Thanksgiving Day!”
Haha WOW that’s TERRIBLE.
For Christmas,
I should give each member of my family one of those sequined pillows that, when you rub it, reveals Nicolas Cage’s face.
The Pacific Northwest is fascinating.
You could divide everyone up by their preferred outerwear brand and make soccer teams. The Patagonias vs. the North Faces, the REIs vs the Columbias.
How did we ever get to the moon?
Have you ever watched people in a grocery store?
They navigate through the aisles like they’re stuck in the hedge maze from The Shining.
“What better way to celebrate the holidays than with a shiny new Lexus? Topped with a big red bow!”
Oh my god, go fuck yourself.
Gross. Gross gross gross gross gross. Ahhhhhhhhh, I fucking hate it.
—emily duchaine
Flommist Emily Duchaine lives in the Pacific Northwest. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and listen to the Talking Heads. She pretends to be a professional businesswoman most days. Copyright © 2018 Emily Duchaine.
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