‘is you is or is you ain’t my reboot?’

First there was M*A*S*H, then M*A*S*H, then M*A*S*H.

Up next: M*A*S*H, star­ring John Cu­sack, Owen Wil­son, with Tay­lor Swift as Hotlips and Andy Serkis as a mo­tion-cap­ture ver­sion of Radar.

Sher­man T. Pot­ter has to be played by James Cromwell, just be­cause. And the Ko­re­an War would be TO­DAY. Also just be­cause.

We are liv­ing
in a uni­verse of re­boots – where the same is new again, and we’re ex­pect­ed to just go, oh, I didn’t see this be­fore.

How many dif­fer­ent ways can a nerdy teenag­er – played by to­tal­ly dif­fer­ent ac­tors every few years – get bit by a fuck­ing spi­der?

I un­der­stand the frus­tra­tion felt about re­boots as some­how di­lut­ing and/or des­e­crat­ing the spir­it of the orig­i­nal film. How­ev­er, if the con­cept of a clas­sic movie is de­serv­ing of re­spect is a stink­ing load of crus­tacean crumbs, maybe the new ver­sion will be bet­ter.

Though if the orig­i­nal film is re­al­ly good, a re­boot means noth­ing. Does it?

‘Why fuck with per­fec­tion? There was­n’t any­thing wrong with the old one … and the new one’s not the same …’

Ever heard of Won­ka? There was this one, then this one, then this one, then this one and then this one (and as of this week, maybe even this one).

And in the first film ver­sion, Oom­pa Loom­pas were real lit­tle peo­ple: Im­per­fect spec­i­mens of hu­man­i­ty de­serv­ing of love, re­spect, and a fuck­ing job as much as any­one else.

So, what hap­pens?

Re­boot, and one tall halfling gets CGI’d into a whole army of com­put­er-gen­er­at­ed Oom­pa Loom­pas, ef­fec­tive­ly killing off any hope for lit­tle peo­ple jobs.

And no Gene Wilder.

This month, there’s a new Ghost­busters re­boot that’s al­ready piss­ing peo­ple off who haven’t even seen it.

The orig­i­nal was an in­stant clas­sic – at the time, there was noth­ing else like it. And the best lines were improv’d. They could­n’t even re­cap­ture that mag­ic in the se­quel.

So why up­date it? If you’re a ris­ing di­rec­tor with a good pitch, any­thing is pos­si­ble.

Mean­ing: If you want to di­rect Tila Tequi­la in a ‘reimag­in­ing’ of Scar­face, by all means do it. Tom Green as Bat­man could be in the works, as well as an all-fe­male Three Stooges film.

If it works, it’s called good imag­i­na­tion, and no one has a patent on it. If it bombs, we get to blame some­one. Like Ton­to.

But
if they even THINK of re­do­ing Time Ban­dits, I will dis­em­bow­el the per­pe­tra­tors with a tun­ing fork.

But save me a seat, I’m cu­ri­ous enough to see how they’d ac­tu­al­ly do it. Train wrecks are fun.

 

—rob­bie ed­monds

Flom­mist Rob­bie Ed­monds would love to sit down with you and dis­cuss his the­o­ries of mind-swap­ping and time trav­el, but it ap­pears as if he, as his cat, just left to stop him­self from do­ing so … AGAIN! Copy­right © 2016 Rob­bie Ed­monds. Truck source.

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