liveblog: rutger hauer died so cats could live

“So even if you feel like you are mak­ing garbage, don’t wor­ry – there are lit­er­al­ly mil­lions of peo­ple who’ll love it.”
—David Loret de Mola, on CATS, der­Tung 20 july 2019

“🎶 Mid­night … and the kit­ties are sleep­ing; down­stairs in the base­ment, while birdies are cheeping. 🎶”
—David Let­ter­man, ad nauseum

 

Once again it’s time for live­blog­ging Movies Af­ter Dark, with your host­ess Emi­ly Duchaine.

And tonight our fea­ture is CATS (2019).

Join­ing me will be mah friend Anna.

And I don’t want to both­er any­one in the the­ater with my phone but come on. It’s CATS.

Plus, as of right now we are, like … the only pur­chased tickets.

 

 

I knew I was ready to watch this movie when we were in line for pop­corn and the per­son be­hind the counter asked me “What can I get for you?” and I just ex­plod­ed with laughter.

I also way too en­thu­si­as­ti­cal­ly said “Oh and please lay­er the butter!”

And here we go, ladies and gents!!

 

+ + +

Oh god this pre­view for Trolls 2 won’t end please help.

+ + +

Nooooooo Doc­tor Doolit­tle who asked for this whyyyyyuyyyyy???

+ + +

You guys we’ve sat here for twen­ty min­utes of previews –

not sure we are even in the right theater.

 

+ + +

What am I watching?

AAAAAAAAA
They have hu­man feet and hands!

“We live in a society.”

+ + +

Oh my god they’ve fi­nal­ly done it. They’ve made a Fur­ry movie.

+ + +

Oh good, Rebel Wil­son as clum­sy fat girl 🙄

 

I have seen Rebel Wilson’s cat taint.

+ + +

Eat­ing a cock­roach. nbd.

               Anna:
               They have hu­man faces 😳

“You of­fer me cream and I just sniff and stare,” oh no those are lyrics.

+ + +

Al­ter­na­tive ti­tle: “Jen­nifer Hud­son Owes a Lot of Mon­ey to the IRS.”

+ + +

I swear to fuckin god one of these cats is Hugh Laurie.

+ + +

This Babadook (2014) se­quel is terrible.

+ + +

               Anna:
               Do you think there are peo­ple here who think they have to pre­tend to like it be­cause it’s Broadway?

God I hope so.

+ + +

               Anna:
               Is this one of those movies where they sing all the time?

*nod­ding and dying*

               What?! Mu­si­cals aren’t like that!

EVERY MU­SI­CAL IS THAT.

+ + +

               Anna:
               How long have we been watch­ing this?

Oh my god only half an hour! 😳

+ + +

Wait, is this The Love Boat music?!

+ + +

“I’ve lost all of my cock­roach­es!” —Rebel Wil­son cat

+ + +

Al­ter­na­tive ti­tle: “Judy Dench Owes a Lot of Mon­ey to the IRS.”

+ + +

Al­ter­na­tive ti­tle: “Ian McK­ellen Owes a Lot of Mon­ey to the IRS.”

+ + +

One of these cats is straight up wear­ing pants and sus­penders and no oth­er cat is.

+ + +

All these cats want to fuck.

+ + +

Awwwwww shit’s get­tin funky, the one black guy showed up!

+ + +

Why are some cats wear­ing ten­nis shoes and some aren’t?

+ + +

You guys, I think Judy Dench just came.

🎶 If ah­h­h­h­h­h­hh were the ki­i­i­i­i­i­innnggg, of the faaarrrrruuussssttt! 🎶

+ + +

Mem­o­ry starts: “O shit here we go!”

This whole thing is an al­le­go­ry for the coke fu­eled 80s.

+ + +

Are you lookinn for a movie with in­cels who are also hip­sters AND cats?! WHELL

+ + +

Oh no, some­one please call Ian McKellen’s live in nurse. He thinks this is real.

+ + +

I think I am chew­ing these Reese’s Pieces re­al­ly loud.

+ + +

Oh no they are all in heat.

+ + +

Some­one brought their child here unironically.

+ + +

               Anna:
               I FUCK­ING HATE THIS.

               THERE IS TAP DANCING.

Wait, is this STOMP?

               I didn’t know we were in the Broad­way pro­duc­tion of Cake.

               They’re on rail­road tracks and if we judge by size, the cats are 4 inch­es across.

               CATS AR­ENT THAT FUCKIN TINY LOOK AT THE TRACKS!

               Noth­ing is to scale. I am dying.

+ + +

               Anna:
               When is Anna Kendrick gonna show up?

She’s not in this.

+ + +

Oh god I hope this ru­ins her FOREVER.

+ + +

I think Tay­lor Swift cat is go­ing to bang all these cats!

+ + +

Tay­lor Swift has the worst British ac­cent ever.

“Oi, Mis­tah! You me dad?”

O MY GOD you can see Tay­lor Swift’s nip­ples through her leotard.

+ + +

We have caught sev­er­al times now how they for­got to ren­der a lot of the cat dis­guis­es and it to­tal­ly looks like they’re wear­ing bald caps with cat hair glued to them.

+ + +

Every vil­lain­ous de­testable cat in this movie is a dark coloured cat!

+ + +

Oh my god he lit­er­al­ly looks like the devil.

+ + +

“YURE A WIZ­ARD HARRY”

+ + +

Holy shit, they paint­ed the ob­vi­ous­ly Asian woman as a tiger.

+ + +

               Anna:
               Why are you wear­ing that stu­pid jack­et if you don’t want peo­ple to think you’re a magician?

+ + +

DUSTIN DI­A­MOND.

+ + +

This KISS re­union con­cert is terrible.

+ + +

MY EYES. THE GOG­GLES, THEY DO NOTHING.

+ + +

THAT IS THE SEC­OND TIME REBEL WIL­SON HAS un­zip­pered HER FUR.

+ + +

               Anna:
               Why are all the busi­ness­es cat names but they’re peo­ple size?

+ + +

I’m so con­fused by this scene be­cause both ac­tress­es are black and one of them is lit­er­al­ly her white (cat) savior.

               Anna:
               What is even hap­pen­ing here?

The Judi Dench cat gets to pick an­oth­er cat to be re­born, thing.

               How are we sup­posed to know that, all they do is sing!

That’s lit­er­al­ly it though! Be­cause it’s a sing off!

+ + +

Me look­ing at Jen­nifer Hud­son right now:

+ + +

               Anna:
               NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE

Oh my god they put white make­up around Jen­nifer Hudson’s mouth and eyes.

+ + +

“You are the lucky cho­sen one. The one to get to leave this movie.”

+ + +

The tails are pre­hen­sile, I re­peat, the tails are prehensile!

+ + +

This se­quel to Mid­som­mar (2019) is wild.

+ + +

CATS! In Vegas!

+ + +

Judi Dench is break­ing the 4th wall …

*de­mon­ic voice* KILL!

+ + +

“Paul Stan­ley Owes a Lot of Mon­ey to the IRS”

+ + +

               Anna:
               Wait what hap­pened to the cat they took away? It be­came glue?

+ + +

This is where An­drew Lloyd Web­ber let his lega­cy go.

+ + +

If this is what sinks Tay­lor Swift’s boat I’ll start be­liev­ing in a high­er power.

+ + +

               Anna:
               *read­ing the cats names*

These Jeop­ardy cat­e­gories are terrible.

+ + +

Idris Elba was in that movie!?

Why did so many huge stars agree to do this. Why.

               Anna:
               Is that the guy from Daw­son’s Creek?

+ + +

Loook at that thing. That’s like a Star Wars scroll. Look at all the peo­ple em­bar­rassed to be part of this.

               Anna:
              Why didn’t they cgi Rachel McAdams’ moles?

IT JUST KEEPS GOING

 

In the qui­et at the end, in the the­ater, you can hear me pro­claim “oh my god this was terrible.”

+ + +

I can see for­ev­er now.

+ + +

**Emi­ly and Anna leave the theatre**

+ + +

Oh god the Uber dri­ver is a fuck­ing se­r­i­al killer.

               Anna:
               He al­most hit a pedes­tri­an right off the bat.

+ + +

HE LAUGHS LIKE PATRICK BATEMAN!

+ + +

IS THIS THE THIRD TIME WE DROVE PAST JC PENNEY??

+ + +

This Uber dri­ver is ex­plain­ing the plot of The Art of Rac­ing in the Rain (2019) the way Homer Simp­son ex­plains the bus that couldn’t slow down.

+ + +

“Do you know why they call it the Ford GT 40? You don’t,” he said with­out paus­ing to let Anna reply.

+ + +

OH MY GOD HE JUST TURNED UP GREEN DAY AND THEN LAUGHED AND SAID “TOO RACY?!”

I don’t want Brain Stew to be the last song I ever hear!

               Anna:
               My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleeeedddd

+ + +

This guy just said he can’t get enough of The Nut­crack­er. “I’ve prob­a­bly seen it six thou­sand times.”

+ + +

We made it home! We are alive!

 

epi­logue

It’s re­al­ly fuckin’ bizarre how straight they man­aged to make that movie.

I ac­tu­al­ly did see the off Broad­way run of CATS in San Fran­cis­co when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I also watched it again on VHS when I was 11 or 13.

This is Mis­ter Mistof­felees in the show:

And this is Mis­ter Mistof­felees in the movie:

Mis­ter Mistof­felees in the show was FUCK­ING FAB­U­LOUS and I’m pret­ty sure was into EVERY CAT.

This in­cel look­ing moth­er­fuck­er in the movie was only into the white, ob­vi­ous­ly fe­male cat and he sniveled and cow­ered and was gen­er­al­ly an epic los­er and not at all mag­i­cal or fabulous.

I didn’t pick up on this in the the­ater ’cause I was cack­ling like a ban­shee, but ac­cord­ing to re­views, Griz­abel­la is shamed and it’s im­plied she’s do­ing sex work?

Who is this movie for??

 

12 hours later

“CATS is the worst thing to hap­pen to cats since dogs.”
—fa­vorite re­view I’ve heard so far

I woke up to­day not sure I re­al­ly had that whole ex­pe­ri­ence yes­ter­day. Hours lat­er, Anna and I were like, “Wait did that ac­tu­al­ly hap­pen?” I don’t think I could ever watch that movie ever again.

Every­thing about it was ter­ri­ble and in­sane, from start to fin­ish. And hon­est­ly, even Jen­nifer Hud­son wasn’t that good. I think it’s like be­ing in Cher­nobyl – you can’t go there and not get irradiated.

I turned and said to Anna count­less times, try­ing not to die laugh­ing, “Oh my god WHAT is this??”

Make no mis­take: That was the hard­est I’ve laughed watch­ing a movie, ever. The only thing that came close was when I saw Hot Fuzz (2007) but I was sober, which is a tes­ta­ment to how tru­ly fun­ny it is.

There were sev­er­al times I thought I was go­ing to pee in the seat I was laugh­ing so hard. I had an ab­solute blast. But it can­not be overem­pha­sized how ter­ri­ble that movie is. That was quite pos­si­bly the worst movie I have ever seen, and I’ve seen Sil­ver Lin­ings Play­book (2012).

When we bought tick­ets there were only two oth­er seats sold. When we walked in the the­ater was over half full. We walked in ten min­utes af­ter the start time and sat there for an­oth­er twen­ty min­utes of pre­views won­der­ing if we walked into Lit­tle Women (2019). Then when CATS start­ed we couldn’t be­lieve how full the the­ater was.

My guess is a good half the au­di­ence was there for the same rea­son we were and half were there in earnest.

Some­one with a lot of mon­ey thought CATS was a good idea.

Lots of very very fa­mous peo­ple with gold­en rep­u­ta­tions in Hol­ly­wood thought CATS was a good idea.

There are bad ideas, children.

Re­al­ly, re­al­ly stu­pid, bad ideas.

 

—emi­ly duchaine

Flom­mist Emi­ly Duchaine lives in the Pa­cif­ic North­west. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and lis­ten to the Talk­ing Heads. She pre­tends to be a pro­fes­sion­al busi­ness­woman most days. Copy­right © 2020 Emi­ly Duchaine. Hed swiped from Jim Barg.

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