a lot of words in my head right now

I hate the way you wrap around my mind and nev­er leave it

I hate the way you can play my heart­strings like they’re one of your games

I hate the way you smile at me
your eyes full of pain and your mouth hid­ing it

I hate the way you re­placed me
slid pic­tures into the spot where I used to sleep

I hate the way you just ex­ist as if I was nev­er in your life

I hate the way you call me your friend when it was al­ways so much more than that

I hate that I look for you in all our old places
wish­ing you could see the way I looked to­day

I hate the way your ghost walks next to me
mock­ing my mem­o­ries

I hate the way you said you loved me that last time
like it was just an auto re­sponse on a voice­mail ma­chine

I hate the way you kissed me good­bye
your pain leaked into my mouth and stained my lips with your un­shed tears

I hate the way you nev­er said what you need­ed
un­til you couldn’t take it any­more and just want­ed to leave

I hate when I dri­ve past our exit
know­ing you sleep in the room we used to share
but I had to leave

I hate the thoughts that poi­son our good mem­o­ries
like taint­ed words full of mis­ery

I hate the way I smile at you now
blend­ing my pain and anger into a mon­tage of mir­rored hap­pi­ness that isn’t there

I hate the way I hold my­self tall and walk like the world didn’t fall out from be­neath me

I hate how cold it gets at night when you aren’t here
burn­ing like ice against my skin

But most­ly I hate the fact that in the end
you don’t care that it wasn’t you
 
 

—erin dirschel

Flom­mist Erin Dirschel is a per­plex­ing myr­i­ad of beau­ti­ful­ly con­fus­ing qual­i­ties. The most im­por­tant of which is love of fuzzy an­i­mals. And she oc­ca­sion­al­ly does an art­sy thing. Copy­right © 2018 Erin Dirschel.

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