the chaos

Idk who need­ed to hear this be­sides me
but when you grow up in chaos it can be­gin to feel like home,
so much so that we be­gin to cre­ate chaos to feel at home in.

You’re not alone in this.

Not only is it all g to just chill in the well­be­ing but ap­pre­ci­at­ing the peace IS the best way to fight the chaos.

It is okay not to be okay.
Even on #The­GreatJoy­Hunt.
It’s called a hunt for a rea­son.

You got­ta look for that shit.

I wor­ry some times that my ef­forts to stay fo­cused on the pos­i­tive, es­pe­cial­ly on so­cial me­dia, cre­ate a false per­cep­tion that can be dam­ag­ing to those who are learn­ing self love and look­ing to me as an ex­am­ple. My life is beau­ti­ful but it is not per­fect or pain-free.

I’m not okay right now. And I’m an ex­pert lev­el joy hunter. To­day my joy is that I’m al­lowed to not be okay. That I have peo­ple around me who do not de­mand light out of me when my world goes dim. That my friends know that I tend to for­get to eat and that tacos help every­thing. I’m thank­ful I’ve done my work enough to try and slow down and give my­self some grace on these hard days.

Hope­ful­ly this trans­paren­cy helps some­one watch­ing from the bleach­ers. I’m just as hu­man as you de­spite the fact that I jump into my pants both legs at the same time in the morn­ing and have an imag­i­nary pink go­ril­la bestie. Anx­i­ety, de­pres­sion, and men­tal health is­sues wait in my blood as in many of yours. Every day is a bat­tle against them. Most days I win. Some days I don’t. But each day I find some­thing to be thank­ful for and work to place my fo­cus there.

This is where the ba­sics come in to prac­tice. Be­fore you can love your­self you have to trust your­self. Be­fore you trust your­self you have to for­give your­self. To­day I for­give my­self for not feel­ing okay and trust that I will do what I need to heal.

Be gen­tle with you. You de­serve it. We got this.

Hel­la love.
 
 

—an­dru de­f­eye

Flom­mist An­dru De­f­eye is the Guer­ril­la Poet Lau­re­ate of Sacra­men­to. Copy­right © 2019 An­dru De­f­eye.

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