(Just got a new mail client. For some reason, my inbox was defaulted to show the oldest messages first and I never delete anything. Anyway, this was the very oldest thing at the top: A mass email that I authored in the mid 2000s, and I totally lol’d because I don’t remember writing it at all. At the time, there were still people in my life forwarding this kind of glurgy crap, and this was basically my response to all of it. I’m glad we have since moved on as a society.)
Subject: TEH HAWT S3XX0R OMFG!!!1111111
You opened this email because it held promise of some hot e‑lovin’. But have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior? Probably not. Heathen.
People died when the twin towers a‑splodered. Let us not lose sight of this. NEVER FARGET 9–11 OK?
and THISIS SO IMPORTANT GUYS YOU NEED TO DO IT OR I’LL PUNCH MY MONITOR UNTIL YOU FEEL IT.
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE OR YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP TO THEM BECOMES VOIDED. SERIOUS. IT WAS ON THE NEWS. IT HAPPENED TO ME. HERE ARE SOME TESTIMONIES FROM REAL. REAL K? REAL PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALREADY RECEIVED THIS EMAIL.
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» My name is Mary and I’m 35.
» I thought this email was just a joke
» but sure enough I got punched right in the face as soon as I closed
» the letter!! It’s for real, guys.
>
>
>
» I’m Billy and I’m 9.
» My mom was in the hospital dying
» when I opened this letter. I sent it
» on and remain unharmed.
» She died this morning.
» Please don’t drink and drive.
>
>
>
» My name is Stan and I’m an appliance
» salesman. I opened this letter and
» punched myself in the face.
» I’m not sure why I did it.
» It seemed like a good idea at the time.
>
>
>
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I opened this email and got stabbed by a clown! Guess I learned my lesson! Within five minutes of sending this letter, I got married! Crazy, huh?
So seriously! Do it. CAPS LOCK IS LOUD AND IMPORTANT SEND THIS ON.
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###
—bwargh von modnar
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