You know, all day I felt like I kept fighting with myself and the way I felt.
Something just nagged at me like the questions of ‘what’s wrong Alley?’ from those around me. Just a sinking sad feeling and knowing I was allowing myself to fall into it.
It got worse every moment I felt like I should not feel that way. So much of it pulled from a dream I knew I had, but only hazily remember, a lonely old man and myself feeling very much alone; myself because I took conscious decisions in another direction.
And I met with this lady today that I never would of know in my life but something was at play. She cared openly and suddenly with me. All of it started with paw prints on her scrubs – and suddenly she was sharing all she knew of the world. And placed encouragement on my heart to go do wild things. Her heart knew the pain I felt for the loss of my dog, and it’s nice to talk to someone who knows the same love and loss but knows the healing.
And as I look up my dream coming home, it’s funny how tiny was our old man and seeing old men in dreams represents wisdom or forgiveness. The old man may be a archetypal figure who is offering guidance to some daily problem.
And seeing wisdom and guidance being given in my waking life is interesting. And I feel deeply that the forgiveness reins truth as much because of the ideas and feelings of guilt over putting my best friend down have weighed heavy.
And the saddest thing about it all is I do not feel I should be forgiven – if I listen to the logic in my mind I know I did the right thing, but the emotions stir. I feel as though my heart does not want forgiveness but to turn back time.
And as I venture forward in life I do not know how to justify what I need and I feel hesitance to take leaps at the cost of fear and at the cost of trying to take others into account.
Roaming the world and being free never felt so far away.
—alley scheffki
Flommist Alley Scheffki is 21 years young, ‘I am the blue rose. Dies ist ein wunsch für freiheit.’ Copyright © 2015 Alley Scheffki. All rights reserved.
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