seven little things

“Yeah, well the band 311 called me and said I can’t fuck rac­coons any­more.”

1.
I just got hic­cups and it’s been so long since I’ve had them that I kin­da wan­na ride the ex­pe­ri­ence now.

2.
Tip: Leave an un­cooked sea­soned chick­en on your dash when you go into work in the morn­ing for din­ner prep that’s a snap!

3.
It’s go­ing to be hi-lar­i­ous if west­ern democ­ra­cy col­laps­es be­cause the va­pin fe­do­ra set could­n’t get laid and need­ed some­thing to pea­cock about so they chose pro­gres­sive pu­ri­ty tests and the near-con­stant mis­use of the word “ne­olib­er­al­ism”

4.
Those vend­ing ma­chines from the 70s that would dis­pense hot cof­fee or chick­en soup (just broth re­al­ly) from the same spig­ot into a pa­per cup with a fold-out han­dle that did­n’t re­al­ly work and it was al­ways cooked to a mil­lion de­grees and the cof­fee tast­ed chick­e­ny and the soup tast­ed vague­ly Colom­bian.

5.
Han­del won.
We’re all screwed.
We are go­ing to have to let Re­pub­li­cans de­stroy every­thing and hope they die be­fore we do so we can re­build af­ter.

Hon­est­ly. Be­tween this and the AHCA like­ly pass­ing, fuck Re­pub­li­cans.

Lose your health­care. Die. Please. Die pen­ni­less of pre­ventable shit you garbage id­iots. You refuse facts, you refuse help. Die. Soon­er rather than lat­er.

Go­ing in to 2018, un­der­stand that we need to not waste any time on pea­cock­ing id­iots.

Some­one says “both sides,” “two-par­ty sys­tem,”“ne­olib­er­al,” “cor­po­ratist” to you you drop the dead weight and move on to some­one less starved for at­ten­tion. They want to re­cal­i­brate the dis­cus­sion so that it’s about them. Don’t let them. They aren’t se­ri­ous vot­ers any­way. Drop them and move on.

Chil­dren that hide be­hind Young Turks buzz­words to cloak their dis­agree­able per­son­al­i­ties get no more air­time. Let them go re­gale the bros at the vape shop with their 8th graders’ grasp of pol­i­tics.

6.
I mean, I’m re­al­ly start­ing to hope the Yel­low­stone su­per­vol­cano wipes us out soon.

Its THIS or the su­per­vol­cano.

At this point I take com­fort in know­ing that Clin­ton vot­ers will die in an in­stant and all the rur­al Trump­ists will suf­fer from ag­o­niz­ing ra­di­a­tion poi­son­ing.

7.
“Those are great points Nick. Go start your own par­ty. Adults have work to do here.”
 
 

—ja­son malm­berg

Flom­mist Ja­son Malm­berg is a sim­ple man who be­lieves in brown liquor and small dogs. He also makes art some­times. Copy­right © 2017 Ja­son Malm­berg.

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