I live in a modern Buddhist temple and the amount of fear I have about my Buddhist landlord is really ridiculous sometimes. She will come into my room, yell at me about something in German then insist that I am being disrespectful.
If I have been – it is always without meaning to. This is my first time in a flat share of this nature and sometimes I do not know how to be considerate. After arguing she leaves suddenly without letting me try to answer for myself. She is counting down the days until I leave and really seems to dislike me.
The difficulty is that there is a person from the Dojo who she uses as a go between, L.
However, this man is very different online and to one’s face than he is in reality. In person he is very friendly and helpful but as soon as it comes to actually getting something done in a timely manner he quits responding to messages – sometimes for months at a time. He will also give contradictory information to what the landlord says.
The situation now is about a loft that is built into my room. On it there are eleven boxes filled with random books, clothes and dishes stored by the Dojo. When I chose to move into this room he said that if I waited a few weeks they would deal with the boxes and I could convert it into a nice sleeping place.
Now it has been five months. They have made a small amount of progress by nailing some wood to the ceiling. I asked if I could take the boxes down so they would have an easier time removing them, and L did not say no.
We spoke of when he would be ordering a net or when I could start doing the construction myself. So I took the boxes down thinking they would be able to get them on Sunday – their work day. It has been three weeks since then.
Today, the landlord noticed that the boxes were down for the first time and told me I was being very disrespectful. She reminded me I was only here until September and there was no use trying to make a bed in that very dangerous loft. Since I was planning to stay in Berlin longer, I was hoping to extend my contract and keep staying here – but at that time it seemed like not the best moment to mention it.
Apparently L had not communicated with me that the landlord did not want the boxes removed.
Now I am in a weird space where I would like to explain that I mean no disrespect, but worry that if I try to talk to the landlord again she will become more angry with me. The set up of our rooms is such that they have a shrine on this side where they finish their meditation, often she will talk to the other Buddhists just outside my door and I will easedrop trying to understand their quiet German. So often it’s her complaining about me, and once she threatened to make me leave with a one month notice – about a table.
Then moments ago something happened. The landlord and L came into my room to remove the boxes. She said she did not know why they were bothering, since I had only three months to remain. Apparently, I had not updated them that I could extend my visa and I will have to move out in the beginning of September. When she removed the boxes, I thanked her and said – I know you’re worried about my safety and that falling could be dangerous.
Then she said something really hurtful: “Mir es egal!”
you do not matter. If you fall down and die it will be difficult for the temple. She yelled this in German. I kept my composure.
Then I asked L about staying longer. He told me that since I had tentatively said September they had already found someone. This was odd, because the last two times they had been really slow in finding new people.
When they left, I was pretty upset. My mom had also told me my life didn’t matter, so what the landlord said was triggering. I cried. September is going to be such a tumultuous time because I will, hopefully, be graduating college. I had planned to renew my visa and keep living in Berlin. Now, I will have to find another place to live here or move to another city.
My flatmate came in because she had heard the yelling and commiserated about the situation. She’d never seen Buddhist being so hurtful and mean before.
She made tea. This is the first time I have had a living place with supportive roommates, and losing them this September is a bit tragic for me.
Struggling to end on a positive note here, change is hard and I would prefer to remain.
—Carnelian king
Flommist Carnelian King is a performing artist, product designer, toy maker and nonbinary clown currently living in Berlin. Copyright © 2018 Carnelian King.
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