make america plagiarize again

“No pre­tense of pol­i­cy substance –
he’s not ap­peal­ing to the ra­tio­nal parts
of people’s brains, and he’s proud of it.” —Nate Sil­ver
 

To­day was the first day of the #RNC­in­CLE – and bring on the shitshow!

I can­not over­state how much I’d been look­ing for­ward to this. 

This is like the Su­per Bowl for me. But a Su­per Bowl that’s just one of those high­light reels of hi­lar­i­ous injuries.
 

Some days it’s hard to find the time, en­er­gy, or where­with­al to fly through the air fir­ing a pis­tol in each hand while a gi­ant fan casts long dra­mat­ic shad­ows and a flock of white doves flies overhead. 

But I make it work. Be­cause you have to be­lieve in your­self is why. Above are pic­tures of a group protest­ing #RNC­in­CLE.

Per­for­mance art. With mirrors.

‪#‎freak­ingchachi‬
#god­b­lessamer­i­ca‬
 

“Halfway through his speech, Mar­cus Lut­trell said that he wasn’t used to teleprompters, and that he was just go­ing to speak from the heart. The crowd here in Quick­en Loans Are­na ate it up. It was a great mo­ment of show­man­ship. The catch? Giv­en our van­tage point be­hind the stage, we could see that every sub­se­quent word of his speech was also in the teleprompter. Great the­ater takes prac­tice, folks.” —538
 

Oh great, it’s Giuliani.

For tonight’s per­for­mance, the role of Rudy Giu­liani will be played by John Lith­gow and a wheel­bar­row full of cocaine.

Go on. Blame ⁹⁄₁₁ on Oba­ma cuz we all know you’re dy­ing to.
 

Nev­er watched a con­ven­tion premised on throw­ing the oth­er can­di­date in prison be­fore out­side of for­mer So­vi­et Union.

— Michael Weiss (@michaeldweiss) July 19, 2016

 

“PO­LICE DON’T COME AND ASK IF YOU ARE BLACK OR WHITE! IF YOU ARE BLACK THEY JUST DON’T COME!” —America’s May­or McCheesedick

What do you do when vi­o­lent crime is down? 

Tell every­one that *fear* of crime is up.

 

“The Weaponiza­tion of Grief … ”

I didn’t coin it. It’s just com­ing out of a lot of mouths right now.
 

“The only lim­it to your achieve­ments is your dad’s mon­ey and his will­ing­ness to give it to you.” —Mi­la­nia Trump
 

 

The Re­pub­li­can plat­form has a plank call­ing to bar women from serv­ing in com­bat roles so – ladies and gen­tle­men – here is com­bat vet­er­an Joni Ernst!

A shud­der rip­pled through the as­sem­bly as Joni Ernst re­vealed the chill­ing truth that Isis has ac­quired knife technology.

Maybe take, like, one pub­lic speak­ing class Ernst. The words sound like they are be­ing pulled out of you on a string tied to a Victrola.

 

C’mon The Onion. Steve King just pitched you a meat­ball straight down the middle!
 

 

And as a saltine-bland bone white hon­key, I am re­al­l­l­l­l­ly look­ing for­ward to us white peo­ple no longer be­ing a ma­jor­i­ty in this country.

These peo­ple on that stage tonight are not my peo­ple. These peo­ple are garbage people.

 

12 hours of wild-eyed ra­bid racist fas­cist ag­it­prop and in the end the big take­away is pla­gia­rism.

I mean, I’ll take it. But dang.

No more fuck­ing around.

Call racist shit out. Every time. Your high school friend, your broth­er in law, your un­cle. Shut them down. And feel free to tag me if you need backup.

And re­mem­ber your con­ser­v­a­tive re­li­gious friends this year. If they cast for Trump then you fi­nal­ly have proof-pos­i­tive that they don’t be­lieve that shit ei­ther. And you should re­mind them every time they bring up their faith.

Now that the aw­ful­ness is over til to­mor­row morn­ing, let’s talk about how Gigo­lo House is the last great work of west­ern culture. 

This is your par­ty now, “con­ser­v­a­tives.”

‪#‎freak­ingchachi‬
#god­b­lessamer­i­ca‬

 
 

—ja­son malmberg

Flom­mist Ja­son Malm­berg is a sim­ple man who be­lieves in brown liquor and small dogs. He also makes art some­times. Copy­right © 2016 Ja­son Malm­berg. Im­ages swiped from every­where, the way they swipes from Queen.

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