brandon.

Let me tell you a sto­ry about chang­ing your phone number.

It’s a long one, so get some water.

About a year ago, I changed my number.

AT&T kin­da forced me to, but no big deal, now my stalk­er doesn’t have it (sto­ry for an­oth­er time). I start get­ting texts for a guy named Brandon.

Most­ly like “Bran­don, check out this new male en­hance­ment pill!” I type STOP. They text me for months from var­i­ous num­bers about var­i­ous pills.

I start get­ting texts from adult web­sites. I type PLEASE STOP. I’m still not Brandon!

I get a mes­sage from some guy, “hey dude it’s chad from Xbox.” I’m like “hey chad, I’m not Bran­don, can you mes­sage him on Xbox, and tell him to change his num­ber on his male en­hance­ment websites?”

The male en­hance­ment texts fi­nal­ly stop. It’s pret­ty qui­et for a few months. No­vem­ber rolls around.

It’s two days be­fore my birth­day, I get a text from a num­ber I don’t know. “Hap­py birth­day! Love ya!” I say “hey, thanks! Who is this?” “It’s your aunt barb,” hmm well I don’t have an aunt barb, but my grand­ma has a friend named barb, maybe it’s her.

“Oh thanks! I ap­pre­ci­ate it!” “Love you bud!” I get sus­pi­cious, “Wait, are you look­ing for Bran­don?” “Yes, isn’t that you?” No. Bran­don, tell your fam­i­ly when you change your num­ber! We have a laugh, she wish­es me a hap­py birth­day, too, and dis­ap­pears to live her life.

I get a phone call, don’t an­swer it (be­cause I’m me), and the per­son leaves a voicemail:
“Bran­don, this is your grand­ma. I’m gonna beat your ass for not an­swer­ing the phone! Any­way, I love you bud, and hope you have a good birthday.”

BRAN­DON. Tell your grand­ma when you change your phone number! 

So I call grand­ma back. We have a long chat, she tells me her grand­son turned 21 to­day, and blah blah. Now she’s re­al­ly go­ing to beat his ass. She asks me if I’m sin­gle, and we part ways.

Let’s fast for­ward to this month.

I’ve been get­ting phone calls from a debt col­lec­tor. I’m wor­ried, Dis­ney fi­nal­ly caught up with me for when I or­dered a bunch of movies and then can­celled my deb­it card (sto­ry for never).

I fi­nal­ly call them back. I’m trans­ferred to one per­son, then an­oth­er, and again for a third time. The guy tells me they’ve been try­ing to call me, and says “so you’re Bran­don?” *re­lief* “nope, bye!”

Bran­don fi­nal­ly came through for me.

 

—bri­au­na rupert

Flom­mist Bri­au­na Ru­pert is made up of 50% anx­i­ety, 50% Sal­sa Verde Dori­tos. She also does­n’t get mad, “I just make SIMS of my en­e­mies and lock them in the base­ment.” Copy­right © 2021 Bri­au­na Rupert.

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