Imagine: A horror film where a group of friends want to go hiking, and the friend who was forced to go stays in the car because she’s not the outdoorsy type.
So it gets dark, everyone starts to go missing, or whatever, typical horror movie jazz.
Well, in this scenario, the person in the car doesn’t know her friends are missing. She’s just patiently waiting for them to finish their hike.
I mean, one girl cannot successfully find all of her friends in the dark in the woods. She’s not an idiot. So she waits.
This’s gotta be the horror film hero everyone secretly wants. She’s not stupid.
There would also have to be a part where she gets out of the car and walks around and everyone watching is like, ‘No idiot don’t get out!’ And she’s like, yeah this is dumb and gets back in the car.
Eventually, she gets bored and decides to drive around.
So she gets into town, and she calls for her friends and keeps getting voicemail.
I am soooo over this shit. Might as well get a pizza.
She’s famished and she’s been long out of trail mix – but it just so happens there’s a Pizza Hut in every Target.
So while she’s there, why not buy some junk from the dollar section?
I looooove Halloween stuff.
Yeah, she ends up walking around the entire store – checking out the gummy vitamins and talking to the cute pharmacist about her woes – then the movie starts cutting back to her friends being hunted one by one in the woods.
“The car was right here! Oh god oh god!”
Aww snap, this black candle holder with skulls on it is half off!
She doesn’t need it, but why not? It’s half off. She should have got a cart. Back to the front.
Cut to the Bitch of the group getting her foot stuck in a fallen tree, rest of the group is like, “shit, bye.”
Cut to girl grabbing half off Halloween candy by the handfuls.
Cut to Bitch girl getting her face smashed in the tree.
Now she has an Icee, all this shopping and waiting around is hard work.
Cut to sympathetically nice character finding kid in the woods. For some reason she doesn’t think it’s weird. Just wants to help.
BOOM.
Kid is part of psycho a cannibal cult, starts biting her leg. She can’t run. More kids, more biting.
She’s screaming, “Why do they have to be cannibals?”
Cut to girl flirting with cute pharmacist again. I never knew arthritis could be so complex.
It’s all coming together now.
Card has chip and she forgot extra bags.
She brought in one bag, but didn’t expect to buy so much, so she will need at least 2 more. But it’s okay because she has the Target debit card, so she gets 10 percent off this shit.
Checks her phone – but no updates from friends.
It’s been hours, so she calls the police, and leaves.
Not only did she survive – she was able to get some shopping done, has a date next Saturday with someone who’s going to be a doctor one day – and manages to stop for some ice cream on the way home.
I would freaking love that movie.
—briauna rupert
Flommist Briauna Rupert is made up of 50% anxiety, 50% Salsa Verde Doritos. She also doesn’t get mad, “I just make SIMS of my enemies and lock them in the basement.” Copyright © 2017 Briauna Rupert.
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