You’ll probably be able to guess who this is.
Got a new phone with Mint Mobile cuz I saw that Ryan Reynolds actually bought the company and they are offering some insanely good deals.
Both he and his company actually even retweeted me when I sent them a thank you for the awesome service.
IT’S OFFICIAL. DEADPOOL NOW KNOWS OF MY EXISTENCE 😭😭😭
That was a hella cool moment.
Anyway.
Enough about me. Apparently I have a problem with that. Talking too much about myself or whatever.
It’s funny though, because I was never trying to hog the conversation or make everything all about me.
I was just so desperate to get some kind of actual validation that hey, lookit that! I was actually doing something good in my life, for once.
Since the majority of the time, I usually always tend to be the one who gets in trouble for fucking things up.
Anyway. That’s fine. I’ll deal with that. I’ve actually been getting a lot better at dealing with that kind of overwhelming self defeating mindset and being able to understand that this is not me, it’s just a symptom of the disorder I have.
And that those negative thoughts are not ME. They do not come from my own inner self.
But oh shit. There I go again. Talking about myself. Man. I guess it’s probably because I feel the need to explain to you that I am doing way better than I ever have been. Despite the constant feeling of emptiness and abandonment, and betrayal that I’ve been feeling ever since this whole thing happened.
No, I’m not saying you abandoned me. Or betrayed me.
I’m not saying you took those specific actions against me.
But I am telling you that those are the feelings that I have on a constant, daily basis because of what’s been going on.
And when you say things like “I need to take care of MY family now,” you have no idea how much that hurts me to hear you say words like that.
Because it literally feels like I’m being stabbed in the heart, or like my blood vessels are paralyzed by some kind of poisonous toxin that slowly creeps over my entire body and makes me feel like I’m physically unable to do anything but scream, run away and hope that no one ever finds me, or go to sleep and live in my dreamworld instead of reality …
Or to dissociate. Which happens constantly now.
I actually haven’t even told mom this yet, because I don’t want her worrying even more than she already does, but my therapist thinks that I might be suffering from an even more severe disorder than BPD.
You wanna know what it’s called?
It’s not schizophrenia.
Although I had been suffering from paranoid delusions before I started getting better therapy.
Nope. Apparently, it’s very likely that I have a form of dissociative identity disorder.
That’s what they used to call multiple personality disorder.
Yup.
So there’s that.
Anyway. Once again I’m talking about myself. But the funny thing is, I don’t even know which ‘self’ that is now. I don’t know if it’s Kait. Or Jane. Or Lyn. Or Selara. Or Vyenna.
Or if I am just KAiTLYNjane. And those are just characters I’ve made up for my coping skills.
But that’s the thing … I know more about those characters than I do about KAiTLYNjane.
I don’t even know who KAiTLYNjane is anymore.
I barely recognize that name.
I honestly barely even recognize myself in the mirror.
I mean I know logically it’s me. But I don’t know who that ‘me’ is.
Anyway. My apologies for rambling and bothering you again.
Hah. You wanna know what’s funny?
I started this text with the intention of informing you that I was not making mom “the middle man” earlier when she sent those links to you.
I asked her if she would, it was of one we both watched together, from a channel that she had actually introduced me to initially but then some of my favorite psychologists and a neurobiological scientist were talking about the differences between anxiety, trauma, and general stress.
And not only do they talk about how it affects you emotionally, but one of the guys was describing how those emotional signals in our brains go on to affect our physical well-being.
I honestly thought you would find the info really interesting and informative. Not just for my benefit, but for anyone who deals with a lot of stress and anxiety.
I asked her.
And she said yes. She even said she thought it would be a good idea.
And I can tell that all of this is really affecting her negatively, too.
And I fucking hate that.
Because she deserves to be able to live in peace. So does Dad.
And you might think that just because she doesn’t say anything, that this stuff doesn’t really bother her.
But you haven’t been here. You haven’t known how many times I’ve had to put aside my own bullshit just so I could try to comfort her and tell her that everything would be okay.
So yeah. I’m sorry for making such a huge long text once again.
I know she misses you. Even more than I do.
Take care of yourself. They both miss you.
That’s all.
Love,
KAiTLYNjane. Or is it Jane? Maybe Lyn? WHO KNOWS AT THIS POINT.
Flommist KAiTLYNjane has been drawing and writing stories ever since she knew how to scribble on a piece of paper, or her sister’s forehead when she was just two weeks old. Copyright © 2021 KAiTLYNjane.
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