sink

You know, all day I felt like I kept fight­ing with my­self and the way I felt.

Some­thing just nagged at me like the ques­tions of ‘what’s wrong Al­ley?’ from those around me. Just a sink­ing sad feel­ing and know­ing I was al­low­ing my­self to fall into it.

It got worse every mo­ment I felt like I should not feel that way. So much of it pulled from a dream I knew I had, but only hazi­ly re­mem­ber, a lone­ly old man and my­self feel­ing very much alone; my­self be­cause I took con­scious de­ci­sions in an­oth­er direction.

And I met with this lady to­day that I nev­er would of know in my life but some­thing was at play. She cared open­ly and sud­den­ly with me. All of it start­ed with paw prints on her scrubs – and sud­den­ly she was shar­ing all she knew of the world. And placed en­cour­age­ment on my heart to go do wild things. Her heart knew the pain I felt for the loss of my dog, and it’s nice to talk to some­one who knows the same love and loss but knows the healing.

And as I look up my dream com­ing home, it’s fun­ny how tiny was our old man and see­ing old men in dreams rep­re­sents wis­dom or for­give­ness. The old man may be a ar­che­typ­al fig­ure who is of­fer­ing guid­ance to some dai­ly problem.

And see­ing wis­dom and guid­ance be­ing giv­en in my wak­ing life is in­ter­est­ing. And I feel deeply that the for­give­ness reins truth as much be­cause of the ideas and feel­ings of guilt over putting my best friend down have weighed heavy.

And the sad­dest thing about it all is I do not feel I should be for­giv­en – if I lis­ten to the log­ic in my mind I know I did the right thing, but the emo­tions stir. I feel as though my heart does not want for­give­ness but to turn back time.

And as I ven­ture for­ward in life I do not know how to jus­ti­fy what I need and I feel hes­i­tance to take leaps at the cost of fear and at the cost of try­ing to take oth­ers into account.

Roam­ing the world and be­ing free nev­er felt so far away.

—al­ley scheffki

Flom­mist Al­ley Schef­f­ki is 21 years young, ‘I am the blue rose. Dies ist ein wun­sch für frei­heit.’ Copy­right © 2015 Al­ley Schef­f­ki. All rights reserved. 

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