sandwich artist lifehack

When I was 19 I worked at Sub­way. Cer­ti­fied and every­thing. There re­al­ly was a test and cer­ti­fi­ca­tion process be­fore you got that shirt.

One day they had me work at a dif­fer­ent lo­ca­tion where the man­ag­er was this 30-some­thing dude that looked like Ron John­son, the statu­to­ry rapist stereo sales­man from Fast Times.

Any­hoo he’s do­ing his em­ploy­ee meal on break and he says “wan­na see a re­al­ly cool trick?” and of course I did as I am a hu­man be­ing with a heart.

So he’s like “we’re only sup­posed to be able to use our em­ploy­ee meal on sand­wich­es but check this out …” and he pro­ceed­ed to take some meat­balls and cheese an sauce and put it in a plas­tic sal­ad tray. “I got a good lit­tle meal right now” and he was pre­sent­ing this life­hack to me with the pride of an MIT sci­en­tist that just dis­cov­ered cold fu­sion.

To re­peat: Dude took the sand­wich fill­ings and plat­ed them and that was his way to get over on The Man. He ba­si­cal­ly saved The Man a loaf of bread. And he couldn’t have been proud­er.

Re­mem­ber this tale when some id­iot calls you a “snowflake” in the com­ments sec­tions for stand­ing up to Nazis and fas­cists that **this fuckin guy** is rep­re­sen­ta­tive of the wit and in­tel­lect present on that side of the fence.

When they say you “you need a job” for protest­ing on a Sat­ur­day, they mean a job where you heist bread­less sand­wich­es as a way to make your­self feel ac­com­plished and bright.
 
 

—ja­son malm­berg

Flom­mist Ja­son Malm­berg is a sim­ple man who be­lieves in brown liquor and small dogs. He also makes art some­times. Copy­right © 2017 Ja­son Malm­berg.

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