the water was so cold

becoming i   CHAPTER 7

Dev­ils and demons aren’t crea­tures that only ex­ist in a fairy tale dream of the af­ter­life

rather
they ex­ist next to you,
chain­ing you down.

And be­cause they’re in a shell that looks like your shell

you want to be­lieve they have a heart.
 

This shit changes you.

My man­ag­er once said, “well, I don’t think you will ever be the same.”

In that I hope I am nev­er the same.
 

 

The rea­son why I am shar­ing some of the im­ages on my life late­ly and the mes­sage I want to make is to show where these sto­ries have end­ed is where I’ve ac­tu­al­ly be­gun. I stood right at the edge of this rock ter­ri­fied to leap into the depth of this wa­ter.

 

 

Which is a re­al­is­tic rep­re­sen­ta­tion of the things I’ve suf­fered through and what I re­fused to face. My past and my own con­tribut­ing ac­tions rep­re­sent­ed the wa­ter.

Me stand­ing on the cliff scared to take the jump rep­re­sent­ed the places I held my­self away from know­ing my true depths.

 

 

I leaped.
And the wa­ter was so cold.

I’ve faced what has hap­pened and it was in­com­pre­hen­si­ble.

I was in a frozen shock when I hit the wa­ter. I was an emo­tion­al mess when I faced my is­sues. And in each mo­ment I di­rec­tion­al­ly swam with­out need to fig­ure out where I was go­ing, I al­ready knew, and I did take a break. I wait­ed. I looked around for some­one there and I only found my­self in that place, in that mo­ment, in that very space, and I was what I had.

There is not one so­lu­tion for these things and no so­lu­tion will al­ways be the an­swer for an­oth­er.

In the past months I have cliff jumped, went horse­back rid­ing, paint­ed, put art in a gallery space, be­gan to sing again, be­gan to dance again, I took dri­ves all by my­self away from every­one, I wrote, I paid some­one with knowl­edge to lis­ten to me, I called my friends end­less­ly, I went to the gym when I felt I could, I took so many baths, I cried, I opened up to my dad, I drove till our gas tank ran out, I played in the ocean, I drove through a tree, I hiked down moun­tain sides, I screamed, I let my­self be an­gry, I con­nect­ed with my moth­ers fam­i­ly, I called my grand­moth­er to tell her her daugh­ter passed, I had anx­i­ety at­tacks, I had flash­backs, I ques­tioned my­self every­day I had that man in my life, I loved, I asked for love, I threw fits when I did­n’t re­ceive it, I walked away, I rode a brew bike, I opened my­self up to strangers, I stood my ground on not want­i­ng to have sex, I got so far in my school­ing that I will be see­ing three As as I trans­fer to a uni­ver­si­ty next year, I drove through deserts, I laid un­der­neath the stars, I let the rain drops fall on me once more, I sold art work, I worked to care for my sis­ter, I learned, I went to com­e­dy shows, I did hot yoga, i bought my­self flow­ers, I protest­ed, I went to a com­ic book con­ven­tion, I trav­eled, I shared my sto­ry, I med­i­tat­ed, I went to botan­i­cal gar­dens, I did col­lab­o­ra­tive pho­to shoots,

and I was be­com­ing I.
 

 
 

—al­ley schef­f­ki

Flom­mist Al­ley Schef­f­ki is 22 years young, ‘I am the blue rose. Dies ist ein wun­sch für frei­heit.’ Copy­right © 2016 Al­ley Schef­f­ki.

 
co
nti
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read
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                   forward to  becoming i  EPILOGUE  • • •
· · · back to  becoming i  CHAPTER 6

 
start over     al­ley scheffki’s  be­com­ing i  CHAP­TER ONE

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