becoming i CHAPTER 6
My past is my past.
It is intermingled in the many stories touching my existence.
For once, it is finally feeling like the past.
But I won’t ever pretend like it wasn’t what made me into what I am today.
Nor will I ignore what I wish to better in myself and nor will I deny the good I have in myself.
I will let that flourish in my every action to better myself.
One day, on my death bed I will see I did all the things I should have done as the things I did do.
When you don’t have the vision, you can hardly see it.
When your view is altered it’s hard to tell what’s true.
I am living in an existence with the blinders off trying to push the bounds of my simple human form.
A lot of time I don’t know what to say about the world.
I look back on this last year and I don’t even know how I survived. I have been fighting a mental war that no one gets to witness but when it breaks the surface – with tears streaming down or the angry words out of my mouth – there is no understanding.
I don’t even give understanding to myself. I am the first one to say that something is just wrong and that everyone else deserves something more than me …
That I truly exist as this piece of garbage in the world.
The hardest thing is the people who confirm these thoughts. Then I have to discover, if at all, how I’ll not let this shape my mind even though it always affects me.
I love people, I love the world and there are so many moments that make me feel grateful I am alive.
This is the first time I’ve really let myself cry. And my head just hurts.
—alley scheffki
Flommist Alley Scheffki is 22 years young, ‘I am the blue rose. Dies ist ein wunsch für freiheit.’ Copyright © 2016 Alley Scheffki.
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