becoming i CHAPTER 7
Devils and demons aren’t creatures that only exist in a fairy tale dream of the afterlife
rather
they exist next to you,
chaining you down.
And because they’re in a shell that looks like your shell
you want to believe they have a heart.
This shit changes you.
My manager once said, “well, I don’t think you will ever be the same.”
In that I hope I am never the same.
The reason why I am sharing some of the images on my life lately and the message I want to make is to show where these stories have ended is where I’ve actually begun. I stood right at the edge of this rock terrified to leap into the depth of this water.
Which is a realistic representation of the things I’ve suffered through and what I refused to face. My past and my own contributing actions represented the water.
Me standing on the cliff scared to take the jump represented the places I held myself away from knowing my true depths.
I leaped.
And the water was so cold.
I’ve faced what has happened and it was incomprehensible.
I was in a frozen shock when I hit the water. I was an emotional mess when I faced my issues. And in each moment I directionally swam without need to figure out where I was going, I already knew, and I did take a break. I waited. I looked around for someone there and I only found myself in that place, in that moment, in that very space, and I was what I had.
There is not one solution for these things and no solution will always be the answer for another.
In the past months I have cliff jumped, went horseback riding, painted, put art in a gallery space, began to sing again, began to dance again, I took drives all by myself away from everyone, I wrote, I paid someone with knowledge to listen to me, I called my friends endlessly, I went to the gym when I felt I could, I took so many baths, I cried, I opened up to my dad, I drove till our gas tank ran out, I played in the ocean, I drove through a tree, I hiked down mountain sides, I screamed, I let myself be angry, I connected with my mothers family, I called my grandmother to tell her her daughter passed, I had anxiety attacks, I had flashbacks, I questioned myself everyday I had that man in my life, I loved, I asked for love, I threw fits when I didn’t receive it, I walked away, I rode a brew bike, I opened myself up to strangers, I stood my ground on not wanting to have sex, I got so far in my schooling that I will be seeing three As as I transfer to a university next year, I drove through deserts, I laid underneath the stars, I let the rain drops fall on me once more, I sold art work, I worked to care for my sister, I learned, I went to comedy shows, I did hot yoga, i bought myself flowers, I protested, I went to a comic book convention, I traveled, I shared my story, I meditated, I went to botanical gardens, I did collaborative photo shoots,
and I was becoming I.
—alley scheffki
Flommist Alley Scheffki is 22 years young, ‘I am the blue rose. Dies ist ein wunsch für freiheit.’ Copyright © 2016 Alley Scheffki.
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forward to becoming i EPILOGUE • • •
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start over alley scheffki’s becoming i CHAPTER ONE
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