‘that’s the prerogative of the cuck’

… which would be a great name for a sci fi pa­per­back in 1968.

 

A lot of peo­ple do not know: Shake­speare was quar­an­tined with se­vere jaun­dice and it was dur­ing that down­time that he wrote most of the out­line to Po­lice Acad­e­my 4: Cit­i­zens on Pa­trol. Peo­ple still do Zed’s open mic poem at West Point grad­u­a­tion cer­e­monies.

So what have *you* done with your day?

 

 

Too too tooooooo many peo­ple in my so­cial feeds are actin like these fools right now .…

Tar­get’s park­ing lot looks like Christ­mas be­fore the In­ter­net.

Tho one thing is clear from what the stores are al­ready cleaned out of: Most of y’all re­al­ly don’t know how to cook from ba­sic in­gre­di­ents.

 

“‪I’m a #quar­an­ti­ne­cutie. Pass it on.‬”
—John­ny Tay­lor, Face­book

 

“Cab­in fever is rough. But a mi­nor in­con­ve­nience for us could be weeks on a ven­ti­la­tor for some­one else. Please don’t let your im­mor­tal­i­ty force some­one else to con­front their mor­tal­i­ty.”
—Bran­don Bor­rman, Twit­ter

 

 

Let me ex­plain it for the gamers:

This is a Myth­ic boss en­counter. Don’t take un­nec­es­sary dam­age so the healers—our doc­tors and nurses—can pre­serve mana for the un­avoid­able dam­age spikes. If you mess up a me­chan­ic the en­tire raid will wipe.

Stay home when pos­si­ble. Be safe.

— Cody Con­ners (@evoli) March 16, 2020

All us Gen‑X kids that grew up with Dawn of the Dead (1978) as a kind of wish ful­fill­ment fan­ta­sy feel dumb now.

 

“Hey Ya’ll. We are all scared. I hear you, I see you, I sup­port you, and please think about more than your needs.

“Every­one here is say­ing, sup­port your lo­cal … farm­ers mar­ket, restau­rant, dog walk­er, house clean­er, bar­tender, artist .… I get it, every job I had for the YEAR is post­poned or can­celed. I’m ter­ri­fied.

“Mon­ey is a huge prob­lem but death is per­ma­nent, it may not kill you, but it will kill some­one’s moth­er, fa­ther, grand­moth­ers and grand­fa­thers or room­mate. And while go­ing out for a drink might sound like the per­fect idea on a sat­ur­day evening, is it re­al­ly worth end­ing someone’s life?

“Say home, wash your hands, be pre­pared and tell your peo­ple you love them. This will pass, we will get through this.”

—Jayson Car­pen­ter, Face­book

 

We can still go out­side we just got­ta keep dis­tance.

The mega­phone busi­ness bout to be lit, y’all.

 

“I’m not jok­ing peo­ple, stay the fuck home, and don’t go out to eat or drink. Go ex­er­cise out­side or what­ev­er, just don’t touch peo­ple or get close to any­one.

“I’m not kid­ding. They’re build­ing mass graves in Iran and Italy is a god­damned hor­ror­show of death right now. France … closed the en­tire coun­try down.

“This will hap­pen here un­less YOU do some­thing about it.

“The gov­ern­ment is a dis­as­ter and is more wor­ried about the stock mar­ket than lives – lis­ten to the health pro­fes­sion­als – they’re say­ing STAY HOME.”

—Tim­o­thy Paul Doyle, Face­book

 

Also if this is gonna hap­pen for months I pro­pose the city swap out our cold wa­ter line (yes, don’t cor­rect me that’s how it works: Hot wa­ter in one pipe, cold in an­oth­er) for home faucet vod­ka ser­vice.

And I’m hap­py to an­nounce I’ll be per­form­ing my own #Live­FromHome con­cert where I per­form the 1998 OMC clas­sic How Bizarre acapel­la. Over and over again.

Tune in. Let’s get crunk.

 

Pret­ty weird see­ing peo­ple scoff at the idea of pay­ing artists re­lief funds dur­ing this shut­down while also an­swer­ing every “what are you do­ing dur­ing quar­an­tine” post with “binge-ing tv shows, movies, books, comics and pod­casts.”

— Zach, still cel­e­brat­ing Hal­loween 🎃 (@ZacharyJLuna) March 16, 2020

 

Also since were all gonna be at home stream­ing for a bit al­low me to sug­gest an in­ex­pen­sive cure for the Net­flix Hulu blahs: The Brown Sug­ar ser­vice on Prime.

So much clas­sic black cin­e­ma. It isn’t all blax­ploita­tion, but it would be worth your $4 a month even if it was.

 

IM­POR­TANT NOTE TO PEO­PLE WHOSE SPOUS­ES ALSO WORK AT HOME: They can be in Zoom meet­ings and you don’t know and then you sing a song about your dogs to your dogs and now you’re part of the meet­ing too.

 

 

 

You know, I am will­ing to ac­cept the sub­stan­tial loss­es of the new 20s if it takes with it all those Gats­by par­ty dip­shits.

“I’m at a theme par­ty heav­i­ly based on a book I have not and will nev­er read and whose themes I refuse to en­ter­tain. Also I’m a ‘flap­per.’ Wheeeee!”

 

We’re about to get real weird as a so­ci­ety and I am HERE FOR IT.

 

—ja­son malm­berg

Flom­mist Ja­son Malm­berg is a sim­ple man who be­lieves in brown liquor and small dogs. He also makes art some­times. Copy­right © 2020 Ja­son Malm­berg.

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