the spaceman mcconaughey movie

1

Aaron,
eat­ing a piece of can­dy from our box of choco­lates:
Huh, it’s got nougat in it. I don’t even know what nougat is.

Me:
Yeah, me nei­ther. I think it’s some shit that was in­vent­ed in the ‘50s.

 

2

Me and two dozen ladies in line for the re­stroom.
We’re all look­ing at our phones.

Ran­dom dude walks by. He says:
You’re all go­ing to get carpal tun­nel from do­ing that. Bet­ter stop. Jus’ sayin’.

We all look up with an­gry faces as he dis­ap­pears.

Me:
Uh, THANKS dude.

Woman in front of me:
Right?

Me:
Hey, uh, YOU’RE go­ing to get carpal tun­nel from do­ing some­thing *else* if you keep mak­ing those stu­pid com­ments.
 
*jack off mo­tion*

EN­TIRE LINE LAUGHS.

Why do I al­ways think of these things when the per­son is long gone?

 

3

Kobe Bryant is now the win­ner of an Acad­e­my Award, and that’s eas­i­ly the most 2018 thing about 2018 so far.

 

4

Aaron:
You got­ta see Dunkirk. I know you didn’t like In­cep­tion, but you still got­ta see Dunkirk.

Me:
Wait wait, hold up – I fuck­ing LOVED In­cep­tion, what are you talk­ing about?

Aaron:
Oh, oops. Not In­cep­tion. What’s that movie. The Space­man Mc­Conaugh­ey movie …

Me:
Space­man Mc­Conaugh­ey movie!

*dies*

Two hours and forty min­utes of him fly­ing through space in a Lin­coln Con­ti­nen­tal. As he pass­es Elon Musk’s Tes­la Road­ster, he says,
 
Al­righ al­righ al­righ!

 

5

Teach­ers:
So you’re go­ing to raise our pay if you ex­pect us to car­ry guns, right?

The GOP:
Lolololol fuck no gtfo

 

—emi­ly duchaine

Flom­mist Emi­ly Duchaine lives in the Pa­cif­ic North­west. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and lis­ten to the Talk­ing Heads. She pre­tends to be a pro­fes­sion­al busi­ness­woman most days. Copy­right © 2018 Emi­ly Duchaine.

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