chunks of flommus
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so bourgeois, that

As an old-ass adult let me tell you how this plays out …

You’re 25 now.

The ones calling you a “shill” and a “neo-lib” now are the ones that you’ll run into less and less over the years.

When you’re 30, you’ll see them out downtown.

They’ll still be dressed the same way they were when they were 18. They’ll say “you changed” and they’ll barely veil the contempt behind it.

By “changed” they mean you got a career. So bourgeois, that.

When you’re 35, you’ll see them at the bar at Christmas.

They’ll feign niceties but then you’ll hear that they told their friends you’re “shady” while you struggle to remember their name.

“Shady” of course means you no longer have 6 roommates.

When you’re 40, you’ll only run into them on Facebook if you’re on Facebook at all.

They will have filled the hole of their life failure with any number of deeply stupid longform YouTube conspiracies.

In spite of never rising above line cook after 20 years in the industry, they’ll have somehow achieved the Real Truth that the rest of us are too blind to see.

They are probably also still a DJ spinning a genre no one under 30 has listened to in 20 years.

When you’re 45, they may still pop up as connections of connections and you’ll roll your eyes out of pity for your good-hearted friend that hasn’t gotten around to blocking them entirely yet.

The reason I bring this up is that this is an old story.

And it’s populated by really old archetypes. It’s ok if you want to just skip ahead to their inevitable irrelevance because they are telegraphing it pretty hard.

This is what happens. You’ll see.

Also, while I have you here:

We need mor signatures on my petition to make people watch Shaun Slaughter on Twitch by promising that he’ll wear a crop top on it that says Twitch Bitch that I will design.

—jason malmberg