So honest emotional time <puke>:
I love kids including stupid babies, they are awesome. I think they are the very best thing on the planet (next to dogs, because really nothing can beat the awesomeness of dogs). I especially love how down they are, you can be like “okay the floor is lava, you’re a dinosaur, I’m a shark, and we have to save this stack of mail from Darth Vader” and not ONLY will they be totally into it, they’ll add helpful notes like “what if we can shoot lasers from our eyes that can freeze the lava” —ummm BRILLIANT.
However, they make me so fucking nervous because I’m so terrified that my cynical nihilism and self-loathing will somehow be transferred onto them through their weird power to just absorb every damn nuanced piece of their environment and corrupt their naïveté in an irreversible way. Which sounds like bullshit but I swear – which obvi may be projection – kids (babies especially) can smell that shit on me.
I also curse and smoke and drink too much and don’t really understand the concept of age appropriate conversation (what does a kid even understand at 9? Can we talk about Syrian refugees? It seems like something they should know?), which is all not great.
Then of course never in a million years would I force some kid into my chaotic, irresponsible, self-indulgent nonsense life, so I’ll never have one to learn all this shit. Plus the endless mystery stickiness, inability to fully communicate, and temperamental thing aren’t great to deal with – calm the fuck down, speak in full sentences, and wash your damn hands kids, seriously.
Whatever. The point is you stupid assholes keep making these great, fun, smart kids and it’s making it hard for me to keep up my “I hate kids” wall which then causes the internal conflict of really critically looking at my stupid life and having weird optimistic revelations which I am not a fan of because I am surprisingly comfortable in my personal brand of angst.
So I guess cut it out guys? Stop having rad kids so I don’t have to question my dumb attachments to the murky waters of existential malaise. Blegh.
—natalie michelle
Flommist Natalie Michelle doesn’t have a bio. She just rants. Copyright © 2016 Natalie Michelle. Child’s Balloon Face by flommist Danny Joe Gibson. Copyright © 2016 DJG.
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