her: *thought bubbles*
Haha green bean casserole, right?! I know what food YOU were assigned to bring!
me: *hhhhnnnn*
“Umm no not really, haha, uh, my husband does all the cooking.”
*forced third grade picture day smile*
her:
“Oh really?” She looked and sounded genuinely surprised. “That’s nice.”
me:
“Yeah and we’re just sautéing the green beans. Not really into the whole casserole thing.”
her: *enthusiasm plunging*
“I see …”
*third grade smile*
Pretty sure 99% of Thanksgiving sides are from those terrifying cook books that were put out in the mid fifties and sixties that seem to have been written by persons really high and drunk and must have just thrown everything they could find in their kitchens into one dish.
I’ll even bet Paul McCartney likes green bean casserole and he makes it while listening to his own recording of Band on the Run.
Aaaaahhh!!! Bugs!!!
Haha just kidding, these are peppercorns.
pro tip:
If you need to get into a McCormick pepper grinder because you need the peppercorns inside, use a hair dryer on high heat around the plastic cap for thirty seconds or so. I’ll pop right off!
another pro tip:
Don’t pull at the lid like you’re King Kong ripping the top off a skyscraper. Peppercorns will go everywhere.
me before meds:
Would have sat down on the edge of my bathtub and sobbed while pulling at my hair.
me on meds:
Just squealed with delight at the peppercorns flying everywhere, then saw the mess, said “ugh!” and laughed as I went to get the vacuum.
Thankfully I have a Dyson stick that made short work of it, but much like the confetti stars I am still finding around my house from my Oscar party this past February, I expect peppercorns to turn up for a while.
drunk me:
Going to find one a few months from now, “FUCK IS THAT RAT POOP?!”
mental health awareness psa:
Don’t let anyone tell you this holiday that depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness isn’t real, is your own fault, or only happens to people who are weak. Do not put up with this “you just need to go outside/get exercise/do yoga/find Jesus” bullshit. Don’t let them tell you the drugs that save your life are poison or are a tool of big pharma.
If anyone pulls that shit and won’t knock it off right quick and then apologize, take their food away and slide it off the plate into the garbage while looking them dead in the eyes.
Then tell them to get the fuck out. If you’re at their house, stand up, tell them their cooking sucks, and then leave.
You know, I might just wear these super comfy fleece lined sweatpants out in public because even though they have big pockets they hold zero fucks.
Happy Thanksgiving!
—emily duchaine
Flommist Emily Duchaine lives in the Pacific Northwest. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and listen to the Talking Heads. She pretends to be a professional businesswoman most days. Copyright © 2019 Emily Duchaine.
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