personal things time

So, pret­ty much every time I call some­one out on a be­hav­ior of theirs, I end up hav­ing some hard think time af­ter­ward to be like, Wait, am I also not be­ing cool? Should I have even said that? and it some­times leads to un­ex­pect­ed break­throughs about my­self.

I am, like, 75% sass for the same rea­son I prac­tice lu­cid dream­ing and am wary of hal­lu­cino­gens: Be­cause I have had my mind fucked with so many times, it’s one of the mech­a­nisms by which I as­sure my­self of what’s real.

Gen­er­al­ly the only peo­ple try­ing to con­vince me or any­one else that our mem­o­ries of them aren’t real, all fol­low a very spe­cif­ic and con­tin­u­ing pat­tern of be­hav­ior that is easy to see through. It is not ran­dom or some­thing I sus­pect of every­one, and is usu­al­ly ver­i­fi­able by oth­ers who have in­ter­act­ed with the same per­son.

But even know­ing all of that, it is im­pos­si­ble not to be af­fect­ed. The roller­coast­er of it all is so ex­haust­ing and I just don’t even have the en­er­gy to pre­tend oth­er­wise.

I don’t know if there is a true way to dis­arm a nar­cis­sist, but it doesn’t keep me from oc­ca­sion­al­ly try­ing.

I’ve learned some of those be­hav­iors grow­ing up, and am glad to have friends who were will­ing to call me out, and still love and be pa­tient with me when I was (or am) be­ing kind of a dick. So far my at­tempts to pay it for­ward have failed mis­er­ably, but I guess it keeps things in­ter­est­ing, hey?

Any­way, I have had a very emo­tion­al­ly in­tense day. How are you?
 

—bwargh von mod­nar

Flom­mist Bwargh von Mod­nar is. Copy­right © 2019 Bwargh von Mod­nar.‬

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