only love i never had

I have al­ways strug­gled with be­ing an only child
but I think the lone­li­ness that comes with it grows the old­er I get 

I don’t re­al­ly talk about it a lot
es­pe­cial­ly not to my parents
but it’s a very hard thing for me to feel sometimes 

I had a con­ver­sa­tion with a cousin who I haven’t spo­ken to in years  and at the end he said “I love you”

It’s very rare that I hear those words from a cousin
and for a sec­ond it felt sim­i­lar to what I can imag­ine a sib­ling feels like

even though I re­al­ly love, and ap­pre­ci­ate my cousins

But the truth is
I’ll nev­er know

I’ll nev­er have that per­son who was there ex­pe­ri­enc­ing the same child­hood laughs
and pains as me 

Some­one who can ful­ly re­late to me with my home life grow­ing up 

And some­one who I have that con­nec­tion with

It seems like as an adult
peo­ple ex­pect you to be over things like this
but the more I grow  the more I wish I had that bond 

I have ab­solute­ly amaz­ing friends
and I love them so much
but I think there will al­ways be a part of me that feels emp­ty for the loss of some­one I nev­er had
 
 

—bri­au­na rupert

Flom­mist Bri­au­na Ru­pert is made up of 50% anx­i­ety, 50% Sal­sa Verde Dori­tos. She also does­n’t get mad, “I just make SIMS of my en­e­mies and lock them in the base­ment.” Copy­right © 2018 Bri­au­na Ru­pert.

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