i picked a bad day to not take up smoking

Every sin­gle bad dri­ver in the world is out in force right now, 

but my mo­ment of zen was get­ting be­hind a woman whose li­cense plate said “MOMABUS”
and whose very large back win­dow was en­tire­ly cov­ered with a de­cal that looked like the hy­brid of a de­sign on an Af­flic­tion t‑shirt and a met­al band logo,
with a goth­ic cross in the mid­dle and the words “DIS­CI­PLE.”
 

 

You guys have no idea how hap­py I am this piz­za par­lor is play­ing Nel­ly and not Christ­mas mu­sic.
 

 

Well, I need to choke down this slice and GTFO of here be­cause some­how this Pan­do­ra al­go­rithm re­sult­ed in Avril Lavigne.

To be fair, it is kind of adorable in ret­ro­spect that she thinks things are so com­pli­cat­ed be­cause the guy she likes start­ed wear­ing nicer clothes.

Oh hon­ey,
get a mort­gage and come down with a chron­ic health ail­ment and get back to me.
 

Oh snap.
 

Boy. I did not see that coming.
 

Ha­ha­ha­ha­ha re­mem­ber the ’90s? *heavy sigh*
 

I do a pret­ty good Tar­get lady impression.

Mervyn’s and Tar­get were once owned by the same com­pa­ny. And Mervyn’s was the jeal­ous, un­der­ap­pre­ci­at­ed sibling. 

No one seems to know any of this ’cept the ed­i­tor of this blog.

 

 

If you want to know who the biggest id­iot in the world is, it’s me. I went to Fred Mey­er lit­er­al­ly just to get oven cleaner.

I am wait­ing to use the self check out to buy oven clean­er and stove top clean­er and noth­ing else, and as I watch peo­ple try to nav­i­gate the com­mands on the check out screen like they’re care­ful­ly de­cid­ing which se­cret prize to pick af­ter ex­haust­ing the free roll minigame on a video slot ma­chine, I am hav­ing an ex­is­ten­tial cri­sis and won­der­ing what the hell I’m do­ing with my life.

I was think­ing, ‘What if I were a skelling­ton?’ then I ex­cit­ed­ly re­al­ized I AM a skelling­ton ALL THE TIME.

 

In Wash­ing­ton, if you use a reg­u­lar size bag, they charge you 5¢.

If you use a slight­ly small­er, thin­ner store bag, it’s free. 

Lawl

But yeah, plas­tic bags are banned in Thurston County.

 
 

“Un­ex­pect­ed item in bag­ging area”

*starts up a chain­saw I tucked into my purse*
 

 

I didn’t think our oven was work­ing and that maybe I blew out the pi­lot light on ac­ci­dent while clean­ing it so I just tried the broil set­ting to see if it would light and that was eas­i­ly the scari­est two min­utes of my en­tire life. It’s fine though I didn’t blow up and the oven works so yay.
 

Noth­ing says ‘the hol­i­days’ like Radiohead!

 
 

—emi­ly duchaine

Flom­mist Emi­ly Duchaine lives in the Pa­cif­ic North­west. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and lis­ten to the Talk­ing Heads. She pre­tends to be a pro­fes­sion­al busi­ness­woman most days. Copy­right © 2017 Emi­ly Duchaine. Pic­tured up top: Me in the wintertime.

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