matters most

You dont know what i do; 

yet
you judge so harshly,
the ver­sion if what you be­lieve to be my life,
you cause your­self pain and heartache in­stead of be­ing open and will­ing to lis­ten and learn. You fab­ri­cate your ver­sion of me with­out be­ing will­ing to have a con­ver­sa­tion to learn the truth of who I am and why I make the de­ci­sions you demonize. 

You may not like what I do,
and thats okay,
you dont have to. No one is de­val­i­dat­ing your feelings. 

But you cant guilt peo­ple into do­ing the things you want. You cant threat­en with not be­ing able to see you again just be­cause some­one has made a de­ci­sion that you ar­ent hap­py with. Your self im­age should not be so deeply de­pen­dent on me and my choices. 

I am not a re­flec­tion of you.
I dont have to be, I am not a mirror.
I am my own com­plex human. 

Some­times I make mis­takes, but from those I learn, and I should not be guilt­ed into mak­ing de­ci­sions or not mak­ing de­ci­sions. I should not be de­nied life ex­pe­ri­ence sim­ply be­cause of your feelings. 

The choice to stand my ground and con­tin­ue to do what I have done for my source of in­come is my de­ci­sion alone. And it is not a de­ci­sion I am ashamed of. I have gained far more than I have lost. 

I have not lost dignity.
I have not lost self worth.
I have not lost self respect.

I have gained more of those things than when I spent my hours mak­ing some­one else mon­ey to throw me change in comparison. 

I have gained the abil­i­ty to set boundaries,
The abil­i­ty to tell peo­ple no,
I have learned the art of self re­spect and hon­or in not com­pro­mis­ing my de­sires and my com­fort for others. 

Ive learned to put my­self first. 

I have the free­dom of time, I am the own­er of my own life.
I have no place I need to be any cer­tain time of day, I have the free­dom to go any­where I please when I please.
I have the abil­i­ty to in­vest my hours cre­at­ing art and do­ing things I love with this freedom.
I have the abil­i­ty to in­vest time in new friend­ships and in the re­la­tion­ships I have al­ready es­tab­lished with this freedom. 

I am sole­ly re­spon­si­ble for my in­come, which can be stress­ful at times sure, but worth the free­doms I get in return.
I have learned how to man­age my time.
I have learned how to love myself.
I have learned how to re­spect myself. 

I am in con­trol of how I am seen.
I was sex­u­al­ized be­fore I had a clue what it was. I was cat­called out of car win­dows by the time I was 11. I was sex­u­al­ized more as a mi­nor than I have been as an adult.

But now, I am in con­trol of that perception.
Sure peo­ple might judge or ridicule what I do, but I feel the same I have al­ways about it: If they are go­ing to be hate­ful and judge me, those ar­ent peo­ple I would want to have in my life anyway. 

Im not hurt­ing anyone.
All of my work is legal.
I pay taxes. 

More of­ten than not I play ther­a­pist for peo­ple who are lone­ly and just need to feel like they mat­ter to some­one. This work isnt easy, but it is work, and its hon­or­able in its own right.

I am happy.
I am healthy.
I am loved.

Thats what mat­ters most.

 

—lexy nicole

Flom­mist Lexy Nicole is a mod­el, mu­si­cian, and writer. Copy­right © 2022 Lexy Nicole.

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