i accidentally sneezed on your profile pic

I got the flu from a nick­el.

Don’t tell me oth­er­wise. I’m con­vinced that nick­el was a germ-laden shot to my im­mune sys­tem.

Peo­ple al­ways call me out for my germa­pho­bic ten­den­cies. And I al­most be­lieve them … un­til I get the flu.

I’m go­ing to lean into the para­noia from here on out.

Yes, I will con­tin­ue to bleach my change and wear gloves while us­ing the ATM (I can’t use my knuck­les on those but­tons! My knuck­les fac­tor heav­i­ly into my ‘think­ing pose,’ which I strike of­ten to ap­pear busy).

10 sec­ond rule?! No, I won’t even eat an item if it’s ex­posed to a strong gust of wind.

Any ta­ble I eat at must be 15 feet from a re­stroom (fe­cal mat­ter can be air­borne – look it up!).

I avoid pub­lic pools and buf­fets be­cause they’re Petri dish­es that charge an en­trance fee.

My cologne is essence of Lysol with a dash of mint.

The sense of se­cu­ri­ty these mea­sures grant me keep me ground­ed. It’s a lov­able quirk that an­noys every­one I know.

“Did you know germa­pho­bia is root­ed in nar­cis­sism?”

Prob­a­bly, but at this point ag­gres­sive clean­ing is part of my rou­tine and get­ting sick sucks so I don’t see a course cor­rec­tion any­time soon.

Damn nick­el ru­ined my life.
 

—louis her­nan­dez

Flom­mist Louis Her­dan­dez is ob­sessed with go­ing Bauhaus and be­com­ing The Ma­chine. Prefer­ably a drill press. Copy­right © 2018 Louis Her­nan­dez.

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