I got the flu from a nickel.
Don’t tell me otherwise. I’m convinced that nickel was a germ-laden shot to my immune system.
People always call me out for my germaphobic tendencies. And I almost believe them … until I get the flu.
I’m going to lean into the paranoia from here on out.
Yes, I will continue to bleach my change and wear gloves while using the ATM (I can’t use my knuckles on those buttons! My knuckles factor heavily into my ‘thinking pose,’ which I strike often to appear busy).
10 second rule?! No, I won’t even eat an item if it’s exposed to a strong gust of wind.
Any table I eat at must be 15 feet from a restroom (fecal matter can be airborne – look it up!).
I avoid public pools and buffets because they’re Petri dishes that charge an entrance fee.
My cologne is essence of Lysol with a dash of mint.
The sense of security these measures grant me keep me grounded. It’s a lovable quirk that annoys everyone I know.
“Did you know germaphobia is rooted in narcissism?”
Probably, but at this point aggressive cleaning is part of my routine and getting sick sucks so I don’t see a course correction anytime soon.
Damn nickel ruined my life.
—louis hernandez
Flommist Louis Herdandez is obsessed with going Bauhaus and becoming The Machine. Preferably a drill press. Copyright © 2018 Louis Hernandez.
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