“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.”
—Andrea Dykstra
Is hate normal, or is it excess or a deficiency?
I don’t know if I can hate anyone. Like, I’ve been tested frequently in life, on this point, lately. I’m not just speaking hypothetically.
I couldn’t hate the man who caused my brother’s death, and I especially can’t hate anyone who does anything below that. Even anger, barring one or two times, in my grief where I was just really out of control in-general, is fleeting.
I feel like, after the murders in my childhood, the attempts on my own life, and the bullying, and the getting over my rage issues as a child/young teenager, and everything, I just don’t get hateful thoughts toward people. I feel bad for them. Is that odd?
I’ve found myself, several times, getting told that’s weird. Usually by people understandably in the middle of their anger, which makes me think their judgment might be stilted. But still, I feel the need to ask.
Understand, I’ve been actively studying myself and my inner workings, to work with my Depression, for 17 years. I joke, and I have a lot of inane humor about myself and life in general, and it all comes from that self work.
And along with that, I’ve had to study how other people work (the best that anyone can, at least) and the truth is … It’s not that I accept everyone into my life and let them do as they want. I’ve learned that I don’t have to (and couldn’t even if I wanted to) fix anyone, years ago, and much less do I have to deal with their shit.
But there is so much that causes people to fall apart, and hurt others, that I don’t even experience the hate.
And I’ve gotten in arguments all over 2019 with people who wonder why I can’t hate someone or something. It’s not that I think what they do is acceptable. And it’s not that I actively choose not to hate someone.
I just don’t think I have that part of me, anymore. Maybe it’s due to the trauma of experiencing so much rage when I was younger, or something like that process, but I find my anger flits out in sometimes moments. And it’s been that way for a decade, at minimum. And it’s not that I lose my drive, or my purpose, or that I’m apathetic or don’t care. It’s the opposite.
I remember this thought, around 22 years old, entering my mind: For me to sit here, and stew in hate, is a waste of time. It would be better spent fixing things and being productive in healing. And since, that process has become my instinctual go-to when I hurt – I think – because I’ve had to practice it so much.
That’s all just guesswork, though. There’s so much about the subconscious and my internal world that I may never directly understand.
But, I suppose, the point is: Just because someone doesn’t experience rage, or hate, or anger like you do doesn’t mean they’re less passionate. If you know me, you know I try to be passionate and compassionate, and be present with people.
And is that actually weird? I don’t plan on changing it, if I hear the answer is yes, because I love this part of who I am like I love the rest of myself.
And I’m in no way saying I’m perfect, or flawless, or any of that narcissistic shit – I very much recognize the way I live is far from perfect, and just as imperfect yet valid as everyone else’s lives.
But I do like learning about how people see the world. So, to you, and your perception of the universe, is hate and anger a valid and necessary component of life? I can imagine a few very solid arguments for it.
—david loret de mola
Flommist David Loret de Mola is a Grand Slam Poetry Champion of Sacramento with Sac Unified Slam Team and Zero Forbidden Goals who has represented the City of Sacramento in the National Poetry Slam, and 100 Thousand Poets for Change in Salerno, Italy. Copyright © 2020 David Loret de Mola. Image: Blurry foto of Egon Schiele’s gig poster for a lecture by Egon Friedell: Shaw or the Irony (detail), 1910, published 1912.
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