Been thinking about a lot of things over the past few days.
Had a therapy session Wednesday and saw my in-laws yesterday. BTW, Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass makes for good cooking music. Have also been dealing with some heavy family shit.
I’m an only child. Sans siblings.
Thankfully this is changing, but “only children” have historically gotten a bad rap as being selfish, self-centered, spoiled rotten, and weird in an undesirable way. (Even though it is entirely possible to raise an only and not have them end up any of those things.)
I mean, I absolutely will not deny that I got more than I would have had there been more than just me. At the same time, I did “earn”” things through good grades and behavior. It was a unique situation that I wouldn’t have had with even one sibling.
Anyway, throughout my life I’ve had countless people ask me how I feel about not having siblings. The first instance I can remember was when I was very small and my mom explained to some lady at the grocery store that I was “it” and the lady leaned down with her hands on her knees and said to me, “Aw! Don’t you wish you had a little brother or sister?”
And pre-filter little Emily said, “No,” in the most “why-the-fuck-would-I-want-that?” tone and her eyes got huge and she just sort of slowly stood up and went back to talking to my mom about whatever.
The obvious answer that I can give as an adult is “I don’t know any different.”
The most recent time was with my therapist. She asked how I felt about not having any siblings because the main topic has been my childhood and upbringing and my parents, primarily my mother.
I said, “Relieved,” but not because I’m jazzed that I got to be the only one in the spotlight or anything.
It’s far more complicated than that.
“Relieved” because (first and foremost), I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through what I went through. “Relieved” because what are the odds of two or more kids getting out of that whole fucked up situation and all being safe, healthy, happy, and successful like I am (and I STILL have depression and anxiety)?
“Relieved” because – had there been a sibling in the mix – who knows where I’d be? Who I’d be? Maybe I’d still be me, but maybe not.
It never should have been even just me. My parents had zero business getting married let alone having a kid. I’m still grappling with how I ended up where I am considering my circumstances. I don’t know that my level of success compared to my upbringing would have happened twice.
I told my therapist how, as I got older, I imagined having a younger sister, very close to me in age and in heart.
We’d have protected each other and looked out for one another. Maybe I would have been even more motivated to break out on my own at eighteen so she could come be with me when she turned eighteen. Of course, had I had a younger sister, there’s no guarantee any of this would have happened.
I could have also had a younger brother (and I almost did). It’s just what I like to think the best case scenario would have been had I had a sibling.
I heard way too many times (one time is too many times but I definitely heard it more than once) that my mom wanted a boy, then a girl.
My mom was also obsessed with babies but was one of those people that, once they start to grow up, can’t handle them becoming their own independent, autonomous people so she gets Big Mad.
I just happened to have an independent streak from day one, much to her chagrin, and she only had me. So as soon as I started to defy her (in entirely innocuous, natural ways) that was it. It was all over, and we’ve never had anything that resembled a good relationship since.
But yeah, just me. And I’m really thankful for that.
Therapy Emily is a force to be reckoned with.
—emily duchaine
Flommist Emily Duchaine lives in the Pacific Northwest. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and listen to the Talking Heads. She pretends to be a professional businesswoman most days. Copyright © 2023 Emily Duchaine.
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