The only upside to having a cold is that I don’t feel like a piggy when I order four pizzas (and breadsticks and a cookie pizza).
“I NEED THESE FOR HEALTH” —me on the delivery app
Later, I go to the drugstore because I am basically dying and the dude ringing me up hits on me.
What about me rolling out in an actual blanket buying an arsenal of cold meds choking back a snot stream is doing it for you there buddy? Is it the red chapped nose and lips? The Tom Hardy as Bane voice slurring out of my mouth? Maybe it’s the greasy sweat-matted hair that’s got your engine revving?
Whatever it is, your crummy dick does not have medicinal healing powers so you need to get away from me with that. I do not need to spend my last moments on Earth dealing with your desperate creeper ass.
Also driving while sick is a real life nightmare, thank everything that bed exists. I love you bed.
—natalie michelle
Flommist Natalie Michelle doesn’t have a bio. She just rants. Copyright © 2016 Natalie Michelle. Pictured: Edvard Munch, By the Deathbed (Fever) I, 1915, source.
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