I was 28 when I met Dylan, who was 20. We started dating two months before his 21st. I was concerned about power imbalance, that I was being a creep. We celebrated three YEARS in the last week and I still sometimes go “oh god is this bad.”
And I do N O T understand the same energy not being applied to Dan Avidan right now.
Okay, here’s the rundown for those who don’t know: Avidan is a YouTube personality and comedy rock musician. He is older than the average YouTube personality, at 42.
It’s been rumored that he used to sleep with fans before meeting his current partner who may be his fiancée. It’s been rumored that those fans are young.
So this week, alleged proof drops that a 17 year old fan reached out to him, he replied, they had a loose friendship until she was legal, then somewhere between 18 and 22 they started having a sextual relationship.
She goes to one of his concerts, they fuck, he ghosts her completely.
Estimating my own timeline from what I can deduce from screenshots, this is 2013 to 2017. He is 34 to 38.
So let’s count the layers.
Using someone for sex and leading them on that there is a friendship where there is not one is IMMORAL.
38 years old having one night stands with 22 year olds? You’ve got a power imbalance.
It’s not necessarily evil but you have to be aware and honor it. Which you didn’t do, because your were already intending to use them for sex and not communicate your expectations honestly.
Engaging with a fan at all, especially romantically or sexually, is immoral. You’ve got a power imbalance.
I’m not saying that if you’re famous you can’t fuck or date anyone who has ever heard of you. But someone who is identifying as a fan and engaging in the fan culture? Fuck no.
A 34 year old replying to a teenage fan … murky. Yeah, I’m saying it, it’s murky fuckin behavior on its own. Like this girl was just like “Dan you’re great I loved the show” and he replied to that. Do you understand the rate at which someone like Dan is getting those messages? One at which he can’t reply to everyone, and trying to is impossible. They’ve discussed multiple times on the show that they try to read all comments and messages, but can’t reply to them all. To reply to anyone is a choice. What is he using to decide?
Being in your mid to late thirties and keeping the door open with teenagers you would like to fuck when they are adults IS IMMORAL, CRUSTY, VILE BEHAVIOR.
And now we come to the one everyone is fucking stuck on: Was it grooming?
Now, my main answer is: Who gives a fuck? This is already massively inappropriate and predatory six ways to Sunday. You want to dismantle the grooming allegation because it’s the simplifying term, and when you’re an idiot, that makes you feel like there’s no case.
But my alternate, more direct answer is: How can it NOT be grooming? Grooming is about getting someone vulnerable to trust you so you can exploit them. When you are sixteen years older and a celebrity to the person you are trying to pump and dump, YOUR AGE AND JOB HAS GROOMED THEM FOR YOU. ITS WHY YOU KEEP BOUNDARIES IN PARASOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
But no. What I have to hear from fans, largely nerd boys who are just envious that anyone got laid at all, is “two consenting adults can do whatever they want and she sounds jealous of his partner” and other huge, juicy, wet fart sounds.
—melony ppenosyne
Flommist Melony Ppenosyne is a writer and weird artist type. In the last year alone, she’s traveled to Virginia as a competing poet, co-written a play on mental illness that is presently being produced, and crafted a published essay checking the privilege and scope of art galleries. Copyright © 2021 Melony Ppenosyne.
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